Do This Dont: Wear Black All Summer

Keep your Hawaiian print away from me, thx.

May 24, 2013 at 2:30pm | Leave a comment

I wear black. That’s it.
 
I tried changing it up. I really did. For like a second I was all, “Oh I’m gonna only wear white for the summer and it is going to be so punk and cool and rebellious and whatever” Then I realized I’m NOT punk OR cool OR rebellious. I’m just lazy. And if your clothes are always black, you never have to match anything. 

I am not an evil psychotic witch. I’m a pretty nice person. Just because I wear black doesn’t mean you shouldn’t come up and say hi, or that I don’t enjoy pictures of tiny pigs walking down stairs. I am pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but your sister here cries during FUCKING GOOGLE commercials. How mean could she be? Frankly, I’ve met some pastel-wearing bitches that are far more heartless and spooky than I am. 

 
BACK 2 FASHION THOUGH. It is really hard to shop for me when it starts getting warm out. Literally everything is fucking fluorescent. I walk into every store and my superior fashion sense is fucking STRUCK DOWN by the most MESSED UP COLORS EVER (in my opinion). I know "Spring Breakers" was like a thing or whatever, and I enjoyed watching skanky-looking teens rage in Miami, duh. But that palette is not really my bag. 
 
I wear black in the summer. Shit son, I know I’m not the only one. 
 
I hate being hot. If I had it my way I would be naked all summer. I would be sitting here at xoJane Headquarters naked as the day I clawed my way out of my mother. I can’t do that though, so this is what I do every time I shop:
 
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Variety is the spice of life, if you are bland as shit in the first place. 

 
 
This is what I find:
 
 
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Perfection. 

 
Buy this dress. That is really all I have to say. We are starting slow, and things are going to get exciting, but everybody needs this whether you are a miserable little troll like me or not. 
 
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No shoulders, bro, extra breathability. 

 
 
These are great also because a giant T-shirt dress is for days when you want to be all like “UGH. Life is so, like, HARD.” It is also important in the summer if you plan to wear all black, like I do, to have a variety of shapes. Usually, everything I wear is pretty bodycon. HOWEVER in the summer I need a variety because, ew, sweat stains, and some days you just need to feel flowy to counteract all the UV rays your black T-shirt dress is absorbing. 
 
 
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NOT Gatsby inspired drop-waist. 

 
 
 
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Every day, all summer.

 
Um, I hate the word “playsuit” because it is infantile and creepy, but I am going to wear this all summer because I love to pee topless. 
 
I can’t afford real leather. Also, I don’t really want to wear too much leather around my vagina because my pieces need to BREATHE. That said, this skirt is enjoyable. I know its from Forevs and people have beef with that place or whatever, but I like that it is quilted and short and that is a weird fucking combination. 
 
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Cute. 

 
I dub thee The Perfect Summer Sandal. That is all.
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Why be a tiny ant when you can stomp all over anthills? 

 
 
Oh hey BEACH BAG. Everything needs to match or else you are buying into this whole happiness thing and who ACTUALLY wants to be stable? 
 
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I think this is the coolest thing in this article, honestly. 

 
 
OK that is all. Are you going to join me this summer in the festive funeral procession?
 
Can you all be nice to me because I’ve been depressed because, LIFE. Also, please continue to tweet me photographs of your slutgear.  Also, my EP drops in two weeks.