There are two things you need to know about me.
The first is I am not a slim lady. If I were a fruit in the grocery store, I would be a genetically modified pear. The kind that is three times bigger than the organic one.
I need to lose weight but it's not because I feel any pressure to. It's because I want to live long enough to see Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter start her ill fated singing career.
Oh and to be healthier: I want that too.
The second thing you should know about me is I love Made For TV stuff. If it's ridiculous, and full of crap, I need to try it. There is something amazing to me about a company that would claim learning to juggle, with special balls, will help you lose weight. Or, wearing a necklace made of kale can cure your child's anxiety.
Like the rest of the world, I know they don't work. That doesn’t stop this physical need to try them all. It’s almost painful.
The “Slimming Sauna Shorts” by Style Fitness is one of those products. This beauty caught my eye in a local department store, and I needed to have it. The box said I could sweat away the pounds because it helps retain body heat. It would trim my waist, hips, and thighs fast, and fits all 28” to 48” waists. I had a waist in that range that needed trimming so it was perfect! I grabbed the blue box, and marched my soon-to-be “ shapelier buttocks” up to the cashier. This was going to be amazing!
Okay, maybe that’s not exactly how it went. To be honest, I was terribly embarrassed to purchase this product. I felt like a teenager buying condoms for the first time. I was scared the sales lady was going to judge me, and she did. Normally I am not someone who assumes what others are thinking, but her pity-filled eyes were obvious. She looked at me like I was just another big girl desperately trying to lose weight.
So what did I do? Did I hold my head up high because I’m an adult who can buy whatever she pleases without judgment? Nope, I made up some elaborate back-story about how they were a gift for a friend. She believed it as much as when I told my parents I was throwing up from eating bad salsa, and not because I was drinking alcohol during a party when I was 17. You can tell I’m a great liar under pressure.
When I got home I promptly opened the box. Not only am I a bad liar, I’m also not good at waiting. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but a piece of foam, and a sheet of paper was not it. I knew this thing wasn’t going to work, but I was expecting more to fake it.
The instructions only had three steps, and all of them were how to put it on. So I did what every other person my age does when they are confused; I YouTubed it.
I learned there are two kinds of sauna pants. Yes, you read that right: two kinds. One, not mine, is powered and is like having an electric blanket around your butt. I can see how it would simulate the sauna experience.
Mine is a piece of foam I Velcro around my waist, and nothing else.
The issue was, nothing really told me what to do in them. Do I wear them everyday? While running? While eating chips and watching Netflix?
I decided to commit to ten straight days of wearing these wonder shorts. I kept a journal of how I felt and what I did in them.
I weighed myself and am annoyed about the third taco I ate. I hate that tacos are so delicious. Good thing I have these slimming shorts to try.
I am choosing to wear spandex shorts under them because… well, because I don’t want my entire business showing. The slimming shorts don’t fit me like they do the skinny model on the box. I bet she wishes she had my full buttocks.
The Velcro used to secure the shorts is scratching me, and making it slightly painful to move. I think I’ll take a nap with them.
No material I have read says anything about having to exercise in them. So I am choosing not to.
Is it bad I’m already annoyed about wearing these? I have already updated all my social media with a picture in the shorts, and told everyone I know about them. They laughed, I laughed, and the joke is done.
Yesterday when I woke up from my nap I did feel a little sweaty under the shorts. I’m just not sure if it was because they are working, or because I just sweat normally.
Tomorrow morning I’m going to weigh myself again. As for today, I am going to sit here and read.
Soooo… I lost a pound. This was unexpected. I’m still not convinced it’s from the shorts, but it does encourage me to be more active in them. I think I’m going to run on the treadmill for ten minutes.
I’m not going to wear the shorts today. This is for two reasons. The first is I hear you should take rest days from any exercise program. The second is when I was running the Velcro tore the hell out of my legs. There is no thigh gap between my legs so it was like bad chafing.
It hurts to walk. I’m waddling like I had an extreme sex session, but it was just the shorts. I feel screwed.
Legs still burning.
Okay, back to these suckers. My legs are feeling a little better, and I decided to wear the shorts for the afternoon. I figure it will make up for the last two days.
I’m surprised that the shorts don’t feel bulky under my dress. They sort of feel like a girdle or Spanx for you fancy folk.
I’m going to weight myself again tomorrow. I’m expecting to have gained back the pound I lost.
I’m committing to four hours of wearing these today.
Yesterday when I took off the shorts I was actually pretty sweaty. I still think it’s because of the tight fitting clothing, and not the magic shorts material.
I have decided to put off weighing myself until tomorrow, because I forgot about it, and ate a huge dinner. I don’t want the chicken to handicap the incredible slimming shorts. I feel like the shorts and I have bonded over the last few days, and we are pals.
I lost another pound. I’m at a loss for words. Seriously, it can’t be the shorts, right?!!!
I’m feeling seriously optimistic about these blue wonders. I was positive these things were a scam, and honestly I am starting to feel a little validated for my years of late-night infomercial watching.
I’m going to wear these things for a little housework. There is still a part of me that is a skeptic.
That being said, I’m almost at the tenth day, and I have lost weight.
So I gained back a pound. I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s weird to go from thinking something is useless, to being optimistic in such a short time.
I’m going to take another nap in them today. I figured I would end this experiment the same way I started it.
My conclusion is I don’t really think they did anything. The slight weight fluctuation was probably just normal day-to-day stuff. I will say this though; they did make me sweat. It might have only been a little, but I do feel like I sweated more than I would have otherwise.
There is no substitute for eating smart, and exercising. That is how you lose weight, and anything else is the equivalent of a get rich quick scheme.
Although, part of me wonders if I gave it more time, would it work? Who knows? What I do know is my slimming shorts days are behind me, and I’m on the lookout for the next gimmick… I mean, the next credible thing to try.