HOW TO: Wear Big Giant Huge Full Coverage Underpants

Saggy is the new sexy. So. Sue. Me.

Sep 5, 2013 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

I’m really stoked for Fall. With fall, thus begins the time where I can become the little Smeagol I’m supposed to be and haul up in my bedroom so I can make collages, create filing systems, refold my clothes, and do other things that involve no human contact or real critical thought. I can’t wait to have a reason to stay inside and do some hardcore nesting. I’m a baby bear and I don’t feel the need to lie in the park like I’m living in a J. Crew ad. 
 
Have I ever mentioned that I don’t really like to wear clothes? Which is FUNNY because I like to write about clothes, but on the reals I’d like to be naked wrapped in a chinchilla blanket all the time sipping tea on the nearest Battlestar contemplating galactic politics.  I actually can’t think of any other way I’d like to live my life.  
 
Even if i do relish being naked when I’m home, I recognize the fact that I’m not some ten year old European kid at the beach.  I mean we all saw that episode of Sex And The City where Charlotte got so grossed out by Harry’s bare balls on her white couch (SATC reference. Yep. I did it). I would NEVER do that to my roommates because OMG EW. Which brings me to my THESIS. 
 
If you are going to lounge around a shared space in your underwear, they must be big, baggy and comfy. 
 
Alright, yes I love being sexy and all that, but I wholeheartedly believe that you reach a point when you are like "I need GIANT UNDERPANTS" and that ass-security is kind of the sexiest thing ever you know that whole "confidence is really sexy" schpeil. So let us proceed. 
 
 
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SexSexSexSexSexSexSexSexSexSexSexSex

So these are pretty much the underwear your mom tried to give you when you were thirteen and almost ripped your own eye sockets out, you thought they were so "hideous". This was because they didn’t say something cute on them like “Mondaze” or they didn’t have a pink guitar on them and you were dumb because you were a tween.
 
These underwear are KEY though. I have tons of these. They come in a six pack and they look awesome on. I swear to god, these are painfully sexy. I dare you to walk into a room wearing these with a cropped angora sweater and your hair all messy and literally whoever sees you will start screaming “WIFE!! WIFE!!! WIFE!!” like immediately. 
 
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The softest cotton hailing from L.A. 

So, these underwear are so soft I can’t even. This is a relatively new company and they are killing it in the cool-comfy underpant department. They are the boxer-brief lady update. I like these because they are loose in the leg holes so you don’t get quadra-ass.  
 
What the real kicker is for this is the amazing thing this site has, where you can get a pair of undies for EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. Do you know how effing awesome that is? One pair of underwear every day. This way you can be all “Oh, I guess I’ll do my laundry next year.” Really though, you could wear these every day of the year and your bits would never get mad at you (you KNOW what I mean).
 
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Lace made for underbits.

I don’t know if this is a little known fact or the whole world is hip to this and I’m the last one to jump on the boxcar but American Eagle makes amazing underwear. Their undergarments go by the name Aerie, because that is how they make your underbits feel: AIRY.  All of their lace underwear are amazing and they actually don’t fall apart. I need to stay on topic though and talk about FULL COVERAGE undies. These are the ones you are going to go for. If you need to like stick to missionary style sex appeal, these are for you. They keep your booty and tummy warm whilst still putting out a “orgasm transaction” vibe. 
 
(LIFE UPDATE: I just googled “Women’s Leather Underwear” and it was awesome.)
 
 
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The I-Have-My-Life-Together Underpant

So I totally started talking to people about this big underwear thing and the xoJane Managing Editor (and resident “Bad Cop”) Coco just sent me these. They are on the smaller side, but she made two really good points regarding these. First, that you have to buy them like a size too big. They are like lady boxers for when you feel shitty (Coco is getting over the flu right now so please take a moment to send her healthy vibes).  She also warned us about what can happen when you wear big baggy underwear:
“The problem with big underwear is that when you buy them they are cute! But eventually you end up wearing them when you are sick or have your period or whatever and then they just get gross. So maybe it’s better to keep your cute big underwear separate from the lazy gross big underwear.”
Words from a wise Office Mommy who knows a thing or two about living the good life. I mean, she lives in Fort Greene with her husband and dog and matching silverware. Good. For. Her. 
 
 
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Extra In A Marylin Manson Video Underpant

Yes, we all know. La Perla makes perfect underthings. I mean, obviously. These bloomers are pretty special. If you walk around your home like this and black crows don't come and shower you in rose petals and chinchilla blankets, then you probably bought a knockoff. I would actually consider wearing these out of the house with an amazing long black wool trench and motorcycle boots. This is why I get pigeonholed (and, rightly so) as "easy". 
 
So, you are probably thinking to yourself "Olivia talks a big game about big underwear but she can't actually rock this look IRL can she?" Yes, she can.
 
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Bite me. 

 
 
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