I wouldn’t call myself a klutz. But when I do take a spill, I do it the way I do everything else: BIG. I’m still brushing my shoulders off from my last injury, and I found that beauty products helped me feel way better than any of the pain meds or antibiotics that the doctor prescribed me.
It was a humid Friday night in late June. I was stomping back to my apartment with a friend of mine after a great night out. I reached the back door of my apartment and what happened next?
I haven’t a clue! Because I tripped, smashed my head into the stairs, which fractured my face in two places along with giving me a myriad of other wicked head injuries, and was then carted off to the emergency room in the back of an ambulance. I’m told it was all very dramatic.
The doctors kept me in the hospital for two days, which I think was a little theatrical on their part, but to be fair, I only remember about four hours of the entire experience. Y’all, they drugged me UP.
When I finally got home, my friends asked me, as I stood there mildly swaying in our living room “Do you need something to eat? Do you need to lie down?”
“What I need,” I slurred, “is a shower,” and wobbled to the bathroom.
I stood under the yellow glow of our bathroom light looking at my reflection in the mirror, and that’s when the realness of it all set in. I had a nasty shiner under my right eye, a popped blood vessel making my eyeball bright red and the entire right side of my face was swollen.
After a fall like this, it takes a little extra work to make it appear that you’ve got it together (because god forbid I show any weakness). But with a little work and a few choice products, you can get a no-bruise look in no time.
Step one. Shower. A lot. Your body just went through some SHIT and it’s going to be doing some weird things, so keep it all clean. It’d be a good idea to keep the water around room temperature. A hot, steamy shower mixed with a woozy head from a cocktail of painkillers is a recipe for disaster. We don’t need another fall, now do we?
When you’re all clean, that’s where the real fun begins. I decided to cover up and camouflage my bruises as best I could because, though they looked badass, I work in an office in the day time and I don’t need to look like was involved in a street fight over my lunch hour. I also moonlight as a bartender, and my face is my moneymaker!
Covering your black eye and bruises isn’t hard, per se, it’s just different than concealing acne or blemishes. Your bruised skin is straight up a different, unnatural color, so the application and wear of the makeup is obviously going to change.
This is what worked for me.
After my morning shower, I would cover my black eye with Make Up Forever Full Cover Concealer. This concealer should be everyone’s go-to for bomb-proof coverage. It’s good enough to cover a tattoo, so my black eye was instantly gone. Just slap some on a sponge and dab over until your shiner is no more. Since it is so thick, you’ll want to make sure to blend it as best you can into your natural skin tone so it doesn’t look cakey or make it obvious that you’re covering something.
Also, for quick touch-ups when I was out running around, I used Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Treatment Concealer. This little dream comes in this little tube about the size of a tube of lip gloss or a pocket rocket. Application is a breeze. You just pop off the cap, turn the head making concealer apply itself to the little dome-shaped sponge on the end, and dab it right on. Since the end is a sponge, it’s practically made for blending, so it combines nicely with what you have on already.
Next, bronzer! I had two needles that were about the size of freaking ballpoint pens taped into my arm for two days, so when they finally removed them, there was some bruising. I wasn’t too keen on rubbing concealer all over my arms, so I opted for bronzer because it’s lightweight, light reflecting and will still tint your skin enough to mask the green bruises.
I used “Laguna” by NARS. A little bit goes a long way with this, so start directly where your bruise is worst and most discolored, and lightly blend outward. Think of it as contouring.
Next, it’s time to take care of the bruises on the rest of your body -- you can bet there’s a lot of them. That’s why I used Tiger Balm. Tiger Balm is a favorite of hippies and witch doctors because the composition is heavy on the herbs and can be used to help soothe just about anything like headaches, bug bites and especially sore muscles and bruises that you’re obviously covered in.
Made up predominately of menthol, mint oil, and clove bud oil, it smells like one of those spice gumdrops that were always lying around your grandparents house, but not in a bad way!
Your lips are probably pretty beat up after your big tumble, so don’t forget to bring them back to life. You can do this by using one of my favorite new products: BABY LIPS. It’s a newer lip balm by Maybelline that totally rejuvenates the look and feel of your lips, and the shit really works. It comes in four to die for tints and two clear ones. The clears are flavored Peppermint and “Quench.” If you’re looking for clear, go with Quench because the name is stupid and it smells like a mix between fruit and a sweet tart.
I really love this line. I mean I know it’s just lip balm and I probably should be more excited about like, universal healthcare but, you know.
I’m happy to say that my face is healed now, though I was really thankful for my beauty arsenal when it wasn’t. When you look good, you feel good and all that shit. You know what is still bruised though? My pride.
What kind of massive disasters have befallen you lately? Tell me in the comments so I don’t feel so ALONE.
Tynan is falling down stairs and drunk tweeting on Twitter @Tynanbuck.