I Have Allergy Face, And None Of My Usual Remedies Are Working!

Not even my Nonna’s plain-yogurt trick worked. Help!

Until this spring, I was in the closet about the fact that I have allergies. This is mostly because blowing my nose, putting in eye drops and using a Neti pot once a week has generally kept them at bay.

When they get really bad, I pop an allergy pill, which I don’t like to do because it makes me feel like I’m floating, and not in a “Wow, I’m floating!” way, but in a “Is my head attached to my body anymore? I don’t care because I want to nap forever,” sort of way. In fact, in that last paragraph, I originally wrote “blowing my eyes” and stared at it for two minutes before I realized it was wrong. Then I had a nap.

My denial is over, friends. There’s no more pretending to be a normal human now that my allergies have decided to go from an inside-my-body problem that can be handled with drugs to a coming-out-in-grand-style-all-over-my-face situation.

It’s such a lovely time of year in New York, with all the trees in bloom. All the trees, and my face rash, apparently. I feel like my head is in a fishbowl full of itchy fish poo water. Think on that for a sec.

I’m currently living with a massive dog, which probably isn’t helping, but I refuse to accept that I’m allergic to dogs. No. Never. I’ve avoided kitties my whole life because they’ve always turned me into a watery-eyed, snotty mess of a person. I gave up on my crazy-cat-lady dream a long time ago, but my hypersensitive immune response to allergens can’t keep me from loving the rest of God’s furry creatures!

What does my face rash look and feel like, you ask? Well, it itches, and there are dry, red bumpy things around my nose and mouth. My eyes are red and the bags underneath them are puffy and dark (puffier and darker than normal). My eyeballs are glassy. My whole face and neck are uncomfortable. I do not like it.

I took a picture with my cousin the other night and he was all “Heh, you look scared here.” I was not scared. It was the dazed look of an itchy-faced person in an allergy-pill haze combined with irritated eye bulge from wearing makeup when I probably shouldn’t. Allergies can’t take makeup away from me!

Normally, I rely on argan oil to solve all of my skin problems, but my beloved is failing me on the nose allergy rash thing that I’m pretty sure has big plans to take over my entire face and life.

I also tried Smith’s Rosebud Salve, but it just felt goopy and uncomfortable, so I wiped it off. Next, I bought Neutrogena’s oil-free, fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, alcohol-free moisturizer for sensitive skin, and it felt nice to put on, but it did nothing to help rashageddon. A mild hydrocortisone cream helped the itchiness, but didn’t clear it up. Oh, hey creams, I’d rather be itchy than have red bumps on my face!!! Do you know nothing of vanity?!

Not even my Nonna’s plain yogurt trick worked.

I’m at a loss, kids. Scratching at myself like a dog in public is not helping me make any new friends since I got to Brooklyn.

Do you have any tips for me? Has spring ever wreaked such havoc on your face? Should I just buy some plastic and an air pump and become the Bubble Girl? Help!