STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS BEAUTY REVIEW: Where I Complain About Finals And Use Resurfacing Pads To Wipe Away My Stress and Pizza Grease

You’ll never guess who makes skincare products that smell like Pinnacle and turn your skin into silky goodness.
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Courtney Brunson
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You’ll never guess who makes skincare products that smell like Pinnacle and turn your skin into silky goodness.

So I’m usually super health-conscious – I exercise regularly and put chia seeds in my spinach smoothies. But I just signed the lease for my first apartment and have been too busy doggy paddling through finals and projects and the remnants of my happiness to even think about what I shovel into my mouth for the past few weeks As a result, I feel every so slightly like a giant greasy sea monster.

Recently, my diet has consisted of mainly Domino’s Ultimate Pepperoni Feast Pizzas and Nutri-Grain bars, and I have only consumed enough water to keep me from the brink of a coma. Biotin pills dehydrate me even more, so my sebaceous glands are secreting a mixture of pizza grease and sand, basically. Oh, and I haven’t slept. I look and feel like mud. Reasonably attractive mud, but still mud.

Yep I’m an artist too. I call this piece, “Finals: What Have I Become

Yep I’m an artist too. I call this piece, “Finals: What Have I Become

Instead of getting a grip and healing myself from the inside (that can wait until my last two exams on Friday), I’m going to fake it by using heavy-hitting skincare goodies to peel off my slime. Tonight I’m trying out some Nuance by Salma Daily Resurfacing Pads to wipe away the evidence of stress and pizza from my face. I really hope this stuff works…

Alright, so first of all the packaging is really cute -- little flowers and approachable typeface that almost make you think these pads are soaked with peace and hope instead of science-y ingredients.

One of those ingredients is Lactic Acid. The box informs me that Lactic Acid, “derived from milk, has been used in skincare rituals since ancient Egyptian times. Legend has it that Cleopatra would often bathe in goat’s milk as part of a luxurious spa treatment to keep her skin soft, smooth and youthful”.

OK UM WAIT LISTEN, in case you didn’t know this, I am Cleopatra. Well, I was when I worked at Caesars Casino in Atlantic City for a year. Seriously, I wore a giant headpiece and gold sequined costume, and tourists would wait in line to take photos with me in the lobby. I couldn’t make this up. Basically this product was made for me.

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My first scent impression is that these Resurfacing Pads smell like Pineapple Pinnacle, which is dope -- never would’ve expected that from you, Salma Hayek.

I’ve already taken off my makeup and washed my face with Josie Maran Argan Cleansing Oil, so I’m just going to swipe one of these circular pads all over and wait a couple minutes as instructed.

Shit, I rubbed one of my pimples off. That was really stupid. I don’t feel any stinging yet but maybe you guys should just… not do that.

La dee da, waitin’ waitin’. My fingertips feel really soft now… My lips also feel a little bit sticky, so the product is definitely chilling on my face. This is kind of like waiting for a mask to marinate. Three minutes have passed -- time to rinse my skin and see if I look less like Samuel L. Jackson and more like Blue Ivy.

Alright, so my skin looks… new. I don’t know how else to describe it other than new. I’ve actually traded my thick layer of greasy leather for iced latte colored silk!!! I’M BACK!! I’M REBORN!! DESTINY HAS HAD A CHILD AND IT IS ME!!!

The remnants of my murdered pimple hole sting a bit, but the container says slight tingling is normal so I’m not worried. I’ll say the level of exfoliation is somewhere between scrubbing with a Clarisonic and that slick feeling you get from applying Nair with your hands.

Well guys, I guess you’ve got another product to add to your shopping list, and luckily you can buy these Resurfacing Pads at CVS for 20 beans. I honestly didn’t expect to be the target customer for a Salma Hayek skincare product, but this is actually the third product I’ve really liked from her line. The Walnut Body Scrub and Body Cream are great too. I recommend them and you should trust me because we’re friends.

Does anyone else take their stress out on their body and fill up to the brim with pizza? If so, what’s your favorite type of pizza? Or you could just tell me your favorite exfoliators -- that would be cool, too.

Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza.