I suck at sleeping. I wish I knew how to sleep like a regular human who doesn’t stay up at night staring at the ceiling, paranoid that I’ll forget to wake up on time, or forget to do that thing I have to do, or wondering why I said that in that weird tone of voice. What if I died in the middle of the night? Who would find me? How long would it take? Would someone at least put pants on me before the paramedics arrived? When I get up from my sweaty, tooth-grinding paranoia spiral, I look like a Walking Dead extra with vicious Beetlejuice eye bags.
I don’t wear makeup that much, because I’m extremely lazy, but sometimes it’s all I have to to trick people into thinking I’m alive when my brain has shut down completely. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll probably never learn to sleep like a normal person, but here is what I do to try and make myself look less like a corpse and more like a living human being in the morning.
First things first, insomniacs: Assess the situation. How dead, exactly, do you look? When I wake up in the morning, my eye corners are crusty and there’s a streak of dried up drool on my cheek. Clean that off.
I use the Clarisonic but any grainy scrub or scrubbing-thing your sleep-deprived little heart desires will do.
After some aggressive exfoliation, I squeeze out a tiny drop of MAC Strobe Cream, emphasis on tiny drop, because that stuff is pricey and I only buy it about once a year, but a little bit goes a long way. You don’t have to spring for the Jackie Onassis of luminizers if you find something else that works equally well.
I’ve mentioned before that I sometimes get gross blotchy red patches on my face that get aggravated when I don’t sleep, and have a perma-glasses-imprint on the sides of my nose. I use Dr. Jart Water Fuse BB Cream because LOL JART.
Also, it covers up the redness really well. I take some MAC Mineralize Concealer, smear that on like cream cheese on a bagel, except the concealer version.
I stick Revlon Colorstay Powder (It’s inexpensive and you can get at any CVS, anywhere) over it to make sure the concealer doesn’t go anywhere, throw on some Bare Minerals and Revlon PhotoReady Cream Blush to give the appearance that I actually have real blood flowing through my veins, fill in my patchy left eyebrow, and highlight my eyes with the lightest color from the Sonia Kashuk Eye On Neutral Matte Palette.
Last, I stick on some Mineral Fusion brown mascara.
You could finish with a regular old clear lip gloss, or, if you’re feeling really sexual, slap on a red lipstick.