SAVE THE SHARKS! Or Wait -- Maybe Don't Save the Effing Sharks! Either Way, Buy This Soap!

Is it wrong that I sort of DO want all of the sharks of the world to die?

Aug 23, 2011 at 12:02pm | Leave a comment

 

Ummm, I am SO terrified of sharks, you guys. Like I always want other people to swim in front of me in the ocean so they'll get eaten first -- even people I love! Because I figure that I will always love them if they are deformed and missing arms and things. I would hate myself without a leg. And that is a fact! Sorry, I'm a beauty editor! I'm shallow. What was I talking about? OMG, how DO you even stand reading these columns.

SHARKS: they are not all good. Is it un-P.C. of me to say that I would like them entirely obliterated from the planet without exception? They're not even cute or beautiful, like also-maneating tigers and bears! And they lurk around waiting to scare me and eat me; I just know it. Do I really support saving them? These are the kind of deep thoughts that keep me up at night. Just kidding; usually I mix Xanax and Ambien and knock myself the hell out. Obviously that's more dangerous than going in the ocean, but whateva.

Back to sharks and shark beauty. Dudes, do we really want to be saving something that looks like THIS:

image

I'M NOT SO CERTAIN. Sharks are NOT REALLY our friends! They are big globby-muscular bitches and they are thirsty for our periods (sorry). I hate them! I hate "JAWS," I hate Shark Week, I hate hearing stories of that poor little armless surfer girl's brave return to the water after she got an entire limb chomped off hanging ten. NO WAY would I ever be that noble. Sharks are scary! Poach away. 

Oooh I am so bad. If it's any consolation to the ethics boards, I don't eat seafood at all because I think it's gross, so there. I do my part.

Also, I will sell the hell out of these cute shark-y soaps from one of the most consistently fun and generous-to-charities beauty brands out there: LUSH! Meet their cool Shark Fin soaps, which cost only $5.95 a pop with 100 percent of proceeds going directly to an organization called Shark Savers that raises awareness for shark conservation.

Apparently these horrifying evil ocean monsters' exquisite beasts' very survival is in danger, with a 90 percent decline in some shark species populations over the last few decades. Good riddance. It's a noble cause to be sure, and the soaps are packed full of zesty seaweed and saltwater and sh*t that feels and smells really good and detox-y in the shower or bathtub, where you are 100 percent unlikely to be eaten the eff up. Buy them! Then brag to your liberal friends about how eco you are. I know I will.

Does anyone have a shark story? A shark phobia? ARG, I AM CURSING MYSELF JUST BY WRITING THIS STUPID STORY; I JUST KNOW IT.