A Head-to-Toe Beauty Ritual You Can Do Without Getting Your Ass Off the Couch

On your next lazy Sunday, warm up that butt-shaped indentation while beautifying your whole body.
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Coco Park
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On your next lazy Sunday, warm up that butt-shaped indentation while beautifying your whole body.

It's Sunday and I'm not wearing pants, and you can't make me. I'm also not moving off of this couch unless a microwave dings, and even then, it better be for something more enticing than the reheated lump of whatever I drunkenly ordered the night before thinking it was haute cuisine. If I'm feeling an NPR cerebral vibe, maybe I'll listen to a good podcast and try to learn something during this day of downtime. More than likely though, I'm just going to fire up Assassin's Creed, dispatch some Templars, and test out some haystacks. 

The point is, the next 12 hours are about to revolve around this couch and the immediate space around it. But while I'm channeling my inner sloth today, I still have to keep Monday in mind. Luckily, I know some of the laziest, yet crazy-effective, head-to-toe beauty rituals that I can do right here from my couch command center.

In sweats.

In sweats.

Let's start with my hair. It's been heat-styled to death, and it needs some hydration. To get it work-week ready with the least amount of fuss, give Phyto Secret de Nuit Intense Hydration Regenerating Night Cream a try.

Superlong French name, so it must be complicated, right? Nope. To use this silicone- and paraben-free hair repair cream, all you have to do is work a small amount into the ends of your hair, avoiding the roots. No, seriously, that's all you have to do. By morning, you'll have softer, more manageable hair. Why can't everything be this easy?

Now on to this face of mine. It's in pretty good shape, thanks to my skin-care regimen, but it always appreciates a boost, especially if I've over-indulged on the booze over the weekend. 

Two masks that I am absolutely in love with right now are both by Whamisa: the Organic Sea Kelp Facial Sheet Mask and the Organic Fruits & Tomato Fermented Hydrogel Facial Mask are giving me life right now. Both are appropriate for all skin types, and both are amazing in terms of instant hydration and glow. 

Depending on what activity you're doing on the couch, I'd choose between these two masks accordingly. If you're lying down podcasting or reading, then give the Organic Fruits & Tomato Fermented Hydrogel Mask a whirl. The hydrogel is harder to keep on your face if you're sitting upright, but it's awesome to luxuriate under it while striking a relaxing Victorian fainting couch pose. The Organic Sea Kelp Facial Sheet Mask can also be used while you're recumbent, but it will also stay on your face while you're sitting up playing video games or marathoning something on Netflix. Since this unique sheet mask is actually made of real sea kelp, it has the added bonus of making you look like you're cosplaying a Ninja Turtle, which is a serious perk in my book. 

Both of these masks are formulated without any acne or irritation triggers. Seriously, not a one. I can't recommend these masks enough — I love them.

Now that my face and hair are sorted, let's see about the rest of my skin. 

If you've ever gone to a spa for a body wrap, gotten baby-soft skin, then silently cursed yourself over how much you paid for it, I feel you. The good news is you can get pretty much the same results at home with a package of plastic wrap and a nourishing cream. My top picks are from good ol' Shea Terra Organics. Depending on if you want a heavenly, relaxing smell or just some no-nonsense hard-core hydration, I've got two options for you. 

If you'd like an aromatherapy-type experience, I highly recommend the Cape Lavender Double Shea Butter Smooth-EE. Made with two kinds of 100 percent organic shea butter, natural vitamin E, and lavender oil, this whipped delight is heavy on moisture and pampering your olfactory sense. It smells like a fresh lavender field and makes your skin incredibly soft. You've also got Shea Terra Organics' Shea Nilotica East African Shea Butter, which is also certified organic, but scent-free. It melts on contact with your skin and gives you Beyoncé-level shiny legs. 

Whichever one you choose, slather it on your legs, and even your arms if you want, and then wrap them in plastic wrap to lock in the moisture. Stay in your little Saran wrap–cocoon for about half an hour, then unwrap to reveal to the world your stupid-soft limbs. Nobody needs to know you looked like a low-rent mummy beforehand.

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Okay, now that I've worked through my top-to-bottom beauty couch ritual, what's left? Oh yeah, my feet. Lord, my feet. Those neglected, sad, dried-up husks I've been shoving into snow boots all winter. Looking at the calendar, I see that spring is around the corner. I'll believe it when I see it, but I'd at least like to be prepared should a miracle happen and we actually get to see sunshine again. 

The good news is there's a magic bootie I can slip on my feet that will kick-start the arduous task of getting rid of all of this dry skin and these callouses for me. THE FACE SHOP Smile Foot Peeling is a little plastic sock you put on your feet, then fill with the provided exfoliating liquid (featuring both lactic and glycolic acid). Once you do that, you just put your feet up and fucking relax, just like you've been doing. After an hour, simply remove the booties and rinse your feet. Time it with your next pee break if you're really dedicated to this sloth life. 

After rinsing, you won't notice any difference right away, but in about five days, your feet will start to slough off and shed the dead skin. The whole thing is completely painless and oddly satisfying to peel. And if you just don't have it in you to lift another finger after going through this chill version of a Donna Meagle/Tom Haverford Treat-Yo-Self day, then the peeling-the-dead-skin-off-your-feet phase of this product won't really show up for another week, just in time for your next lazy Sunday!