It's gonna get sappy up in here.
So anyone who reads my columns knows that I haven’t exactly been a happy unit lately. I’ve been stressed, depressed and self-absorbed, rehashing my personal traumas to a captive audience on the Internet who clicked in thinking they were going to merely pick up some good eyeliner recommendations -- and instead got something more comparable to my future (here's hoping!) NA qualification.
Histrionic personalities: Oh, how we like to manipulate you.
It’s high time that I shut up about myself and my troubles and gave you some straight-up beauty and health information you can use! I mean, obviously I will still be writing about my own messy life in other articles. This new series is just for you -- and partially BY you. FUBU! I’m so authentically urban today; I know.
What I mean is that YOU, the readers, are entirely in charge of submitting 99 PROBLEMS. And I’m going to answer them! And not only beauty and health problems -- ANY kind of problem, really. What the hell. I've been through it all: mice in my apartment, soul-crushing bosses, poison ivy.
(But since it's my job to mainly deal with beauty and health, I guess just send those. One of MY biggest problems these past few years has been "Bored-Of-Writing-Only-About-Beauty Syndrome," you see.)
Oh, and did I mention that if your problem gets picked, you win a beauty prize? Uh-huh. Sent right to your door by one of our several brialliant-at-shipping-things-for-me xoJane.com interns.
So let’s get cracking: email me at email@example.com and try to remember to put “PROBLEM!” or something in the subject line. I’ll be answering a few a week for approximately three million years, because, well, that’s what happens when you insist on the dumb song lyric joke -- as I am wont to do -- with "99" in it.
Can’t wait to help you guys solve every goddamn dilemma in the book. I support vanity and total preoccupation with one’s appearance, bitches. Let’s do this! XO