The Imminent Robotic Takeover: Day 3

BREAKING NEWS: I don't floss. And I doubt that you do.
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Publish date:
April 10, 2013
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Tags:
teeth, sonicare, oral, robots, flossers

This robot series is getting way more political than I ever thought I’d get on a beauty site. And I’m not even getting super-political with what I’m about to say but THANKS OBAMA for extending that whole staying-on-your-mom’s-health-insurance-till-you’re-26 thing!

When I was a wee little slacker running my fledging vintage shop in the cyber space, not entirely sure that’d I’d be able to pay rent each month, I felt like the sand was falling quickly through the hourglass--like, two more years of health insurance! Then I’d be terribly, horribly effed if anything terrible or horrible happened to me. Or, like, I’d have to spend money on health insurance.

And DON’T roll your eyes. I know plenty of 26-and-older-year-olds with no health insurance because they’d rather spend their money on other things. Or it’s too expensive! We have free healthcare now, though, right? God they should teach this stuff in school. Seriously, why is there not a class in high school about how to live in America? Like how to pay your taxes and budget your money and register to vote and set up Time Warner? No, that social studies class where we watched Johnny Tremain for an entire week was absolutely more important.

One of the resounding reasons why, “No, it’s cool,” that all of my older friends don’t have health insurance is because they floss. For real! Apparently it’s common knowledge amongst the health-conscious-enough adult set that flossing will keep you alive, or at least out of the doctor’s office, and keep some dollars in your debit account.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had to worry about any of this yet, (and I lucked out with this corporate-ish job with health insurance, I guess--I say “ish” because of the side-boob in plain view as I glance down, angled directly in the direction of our dope HR lady) but I don’t floss. Isn’t that gross?

Kind of ironic, because my parents’ best friend is my dentist and his wife is also my dermatologist. How silly/funny! You’d think he’d be on my ass about proper mouth hygiene, but not really. They just get drunk together and play cards, and tell me that I should come in to get my wisdom teeth looked at, which I never did, resulting in him having to walk me through shooting a syringe full of alcohol into an infected half-grown-in deformed lump thing in the back of my mouth via phone last year when I was living in New York, being the most disgusting fashion intern ever allowed near a sample closet, let alone Anna Wintour. I rode an elevator with her wearing an unwashed knit JUICY COUTURE dress from 9th grade, six weeks ripe with body odor. Low points, we all have to have them.

I’ve never, though, had a cavity. And my teeth stay pretty white. Minus the open-wound wisdom situation at the back of my mouth, I have no real dental issues. Actually, ya, that’s probably a pretty big issue. One I’ve been avoiding because I’m so freaking scared of needles.

Flossing is just so mehhhh. I’ve tried! I got, like, easy-glide floss, the little sticks… BOTH kinds of floss! But I can barely wash my face every night--honestly, who’s flossing on a daily basis? I’ve got to have something that’ll make it quick and requires minimal effort if I’m actually going to do it.

Enter robot #3: Sonicare’s Airfloss. My dad used to have one of these water gun tooth machines, I thought that they were just a weird Dad grooming device… like… I don’t know--I think all of my dad’s grooming devices are weird. He uses a pocket knife as a tongue scraper.

But Sonicare is like the fancy bitch-preferred purveyor of fine toothbrushes. So, sure I’ll let this Airfloss business into my mouth.

A) How gross is our office bathroom? B) At least we took the video sideways this time.