STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS BEAUTY REVIEW: It’s Friday Night So I’m Watching Scandal and Playing With Gimmicky K-Beauty Face Masks

Even if you’re buying either of these for the concept alone, both masks are a fun beauty experiment.
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Courtney Brunson
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Even if you’re buying either of these for the concept alone, both masks are a fun beauty experiment.

As I write this, it’s Friday at 7:06 p.m. and I am molting on the couch while rain beats against the window. I can tell it’s that icy cold rain that mutilates umbrellas and turns fingers into popsicles.

My Yogi Tahitian Vanilla Hazelnut tea is steeping, and there are four unwatched Shonda Rhimes episodes on Apple TV. I’m also sitting in front of a bag of new Korean beauty products from Glow Recipe, and I can hardly contain myself because this is going to be the best night ever. Ah, serenity.

Yes I have an “I Woke Up Like This” mug; is that even a surprise?

Yes I have an “I Woke Up Like This” mug; is that even a surprise?

Let’s start with a “rubber” facemask — yet another unique K-beauty invention. After Teen Vogue’s Elaine Welteroth Snapchatted the Lindsay Lavender Modeling Mask, beauty editors went crazy. Every magazine and blog has been hyping it up, but I wanted to see if this actually works.

President Fitz, you don’t need a mask. You are already perfect.

President Fitz, you don’t need a mask. You are already perfect.

So. Basically, you have this Ramen Noodle looking cup containing fine white cocaine-looking powder. The instructions say to add water to the designated mark — I added filtered water from a Brita pitcher because my apartment building tap water is cloudy and suspicious. The last step is to stir the mixture with the included plastic spatula until it’s a dough-y paste.

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Hello, goopy goop. It seems like way too much product, but I was told that the mask is meant to be almost an inch thick so it can peel off easily. Here we go…

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I LOOK CRAZY!!!! Good Lord, I look like a melting candle, and this is the texture of a silicone iPhone case. My face has a case on it. The weirdest part is that this stretches when I move my face instead of cracking like a clay mask.

You know what this feels like? This is like that one Goosebumps book where that dumb kid puts a Halloween mask on and then her face turns into the mask. Please tell me you know what I’m talking about….

Here are some of my thoughts while letting the rubber marinate on my face:

*Sneezes and corner lifts* FUCK.
Should I have put this on my eyebrows?
I wonder if President Fitz would be attracted to me.
I can’t wait any longer. I’m peeling this off.
This will probably be as satisfying as peeling glue off the palm of my hands.

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So I was right, it IS fun to peel off the big rubbery chunks. My skin feels super soft and supple, but not in a greasy way. The results aren’t life-altering, but I look better than before the process when I was just rotting on the couch.

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Next victim: the Organic Sea Kelp Facial Sheet Mask.

Dude. They were not kidding about this being a kelp mask. It’s two literal pieces of kelp… I like that this comes in two halves to fit each facial hemisphere, because my eyes are miles apart like a fish, and the bottom half of my face is short like an alien. (A cute alien).

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But the kelp you guys. How cool?

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I’m assuming you know how sheet masks work – put them on and take them off. This smells like an aquarium, but is completely saturated and intensely moisturizing. I approve.

Lmao can you even…

Lmao can you even…

If you’re looking for a life-altering mask that will empty all of your pores and cure your acne, I don’t think either of these are it. 

They will however give you a pretty, radiant glow for the day (or night out), and give you a fun way to occupy 30 minutes. 

In my seasoned beauty-writer opinion, masks are masks are masks are masks. Most of them give your skin the same level of glow, but the difference lies in application. Even if you’re buying either of these for the concept alone, both masks are a fun beauty experiment. Gimmicks need love, too!

Yeah, Fitz would totally be attracted to me.

Yeah, Fitz would totally be attracted to me.

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