Four Face Masks For When You Want to Feel Like a New Person

Stop moping and smother your face with papaya stuffs.

Oct 25, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

Yesterday I projectile vomited in our parking garage -- like an infant or a demon -- for what felt like 10 minutes. “I’m not going to make it!” I cried in-between pukes to my boyfriend, who was a few steps ahead with his body half-turned towards the door.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME!” I yelled when he tried to turn around. 

“We’re almost there,” he urged, side-eyeing my hunched-over body. 

We eventually got into the elevator and up into the apartment when I realized I was done yacking. (Of course.) I hadn't slept in two days, but after emptying whatever the hell was in my innards all over people's assigned parking spaces, my body was finally ready to crash. I flopped onto the bed, thought 'woe is me!' and spooned a pillow. My eyes fluttered open every few hours to sip water or eat an oyster cracker. Then it turned into today. 

This physical phenomenon, which I call, “getting my ass kicked,” happens every so often when I get all GO-GO-GO and don’t properly take care of my person. It looks like a 24-hour flu, swoops into my life maybe once a year, and isn’t that big of a deal. (But I’d like to think that if I were a celebrity, this is when I’d check into the hospital for “exhaustion.” Someone bring me fancy snacks and Evian facial spray!

Whether it's post-gnarly sickness that leaves you feeling like a weakling, waking up from an all-night rager that makes you question your morals, or wrapping up attending a 3-day music festival that confirms you're getting too old for this shit, I've developed a simple self-care ritual that'll help you feel like a new person:

1) Room temperature water -- SO MUCH OF IT. Ice-cold water can shock your system, so start with whatever's sitting next to your bed.

2) Soak in a bath with some Epsom salt. The stuff has a bunch of health benefits, and sulfates are thought to help detoxify your body. 

3) Use a face mask, for no other reason than literally feeling like you're saving face. Ba dum tish! (Give me a break, my brain hurts.)

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Or, you know, you can actually take care of yourself, set aside a few hours to chill the F out, and use them...

Seriously, though, using a face mask is a much calmer alternative to exfoliating in the shower and screaming, "GET IT OFF ME!" as I may or may not have done after a couple regrettable one-night stands.

Slather these picks on, wash 'em off, and get ready to start anew (sort of): 

Hard Night Good Morning Detox Mineral Masque, $25.99, hardnightgoodmorning.com

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This product gives you everything you'd expect from une masque: Its smooth texture, creamy thickness, and opaque, brown-red coloring make it super easy to apply. Once on, let it sit for 15-30 minutes and harden until it hurts to laugh. Then, rinse it off with warm water.

Your skin feels a little tight after, and all the gunk near the surface -- that you might otherwise be tempted pick, as I sometimes do -- is totally gone. My face sometimes stings when I first coat this clay-based mask on, and I get a little bit of redness once it's off. I use it one or two times a month when I want my face to feel cleared OUT.

Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay, $8.23 + Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar, $5.05, amazon.com 

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Mix equal parts of this mask and apple cider vinegar and FEEL YOUR FACE PULSATE (per the Healing Clay's label, for real). It's a darling, inexpensive combo among beauty bloggers that I could not NOT mention here, although I personally do not love it. My friend whose main nemesis is blackheads, however, swears by it. 

I used it a handful of times, and found getting the mixture right a little tricky -- I always ended up with way too much. But it's cheap. Also, that "pulsating"? It feels like someone slapping you in the face. If you think you deserve that, though, go for it! It'll slurp up any stuff in your pores and make your face feel tight like whoa. 

The Sacred Truth Fresh Face Mask by Lush, $6.95, in stores only

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This is my top pick for sensitive princess skin! This refrigerated mask cools down your skin instantly -- 'cause it's been in the fridge, duh. It contains eggs, papaya juice, yogurt, and honey to soothe dry skin and heal any rough patches. My skin is always glowing afterwards, like an angel virgin who never bites off more work than she can chew. Only con I have with this guy is that I killed a tub of it in less than 3 weeks. 

Alba Botanica Papaya Enzyme Mask, $12.95, drugstore.com

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More papaya, o'er here! I prefer this lightweight mask in lieu of binge drinking after a bad day. It comes packaged, ready-to-use, clear-ish with a tint of blue, and has the consistency of Slimer's bodily fluids. Apply, let sit for 5 minutes, and then rinse off. It makes my pores smaller, my skin smoother, and doesn't irritate at all. 

What's your favorite face mask? I've been testing these (and also making questionable decisions) for the past few months -- but there are SO MANY MORE.

And tell me what you do to feel like a new person. I'm feeling a bit better, but just chugged a spinach-filled smoothie and might... belch

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