I know I said I was going to write about being choked out by the Central Park Reservoir for this first column of 2012, but I really don’t feel like it. I’m not in the mood, and that story deserves that … justice be done to it. Was that grammatically correct? Whatever!
ALRIGHTTTTT, GIRLS. And a few boys like that cute little Braden (is a Braden sort of like a Jedward?) who emailed me this week. I’m back. Sorry for the delay. I’ve been finding myself!
No, I’ve been a little depressed again. Because what is ever new.
Or I don’t mean that. A few things are new for me right now in my life, but I’m not doing any of them particularly well, honestly. It’s so much easier to be messed-up and immature and unhealthy, isn’t it? To shrink away.
But to make any progress, you have to push on, be out there, and force yourself to grow up a little bit, like, every week. So that’s where I am right now: one step forward, two steps back. So it's progress -- finally -- even though it all feels so Sisyphean.
I'm trying not to hurt other people on the way, which isn't always working out for me or them. I'm pretty selfish when I'm unhealthy-ish.
For the few commenters who have been pissed off that I haven’t written more lately -- wait, let me find a good one:
i love all of cat's articles but she needs to be fired. she is clearly an addict and we are all being entertained at her expense ( which she clearly loves). put on your big girl panties, catherine marnell. when was her last post? sammi's makeunder? get your game together girlfriend or let someone else have a crack at it. people would kill for your job and you are treating it with utter disrespect. not swag.
At first when I read this I was all, “Ugh, fuck off” (also, anybody who's anybody [i.e., not even the guy I'm dating, when quizzed] knows real name is Caitlin), but it kept nagging at me: I really am the worst, and by now everybody knows it. I don’t think I’ve ever produced five stories in a week, and I rarely can manage even four. Without throwing a fit and claiming my creativity was being strained. Yeah, I actually say things like that.
So here are some ways I'm going to be a better XOJane.com-er (sexy!):
1) Write more for the site, even if that means writing when I am stoned on pot and uninspired, like right now.
2) Stop torturing assistant Julie, pictured above, with irrational behavior and outlandish requests, and start answering her phone calls instead of demanding that she contact me through our Twitter accounts.
3) Attend or call in to Thursday staff meetings, which I used to love, but which I have sort of forgotten existed and haven't attended in like two months. Three months? Ugh.
4) Accept that I need to have work email like everyone else who has a job, even though I have trouble accessing it remotely, and stop forcing Julie to fix all of my technical problems, and stop demanding iPhone after iPhone, because it is not Say Media's fault that pathetic cokehead teenybopper girls my guy friends are sleeping with steal shit from my apartment each and every time I am dumb enough to let a gaggle of them in at 4:30 in the morning.
5) Be better to Emily, who asks for so very little from me.
6) Stop coordinating drug deals on the phone in front of Emily on the rare occasions that I am in the office.
7) Stop having Julie remind me of appointments with drug dealers.
8) Stop doing drugs, goddammit!
9) No really, I have to stop doing drugs.
10) Seriously, this just has to be over. Vaguely over. Reduced.
11) Speaking of which, stop emailing the VIPs of Say Media in the middle of the night with brilliant inane ideas (SHAME, the Bret Easton Ellis magazine, anyone? I was on angel dust). And stop demanding extra vacation time on Twitter.
12) Spend more time with Jane, because I don't get to see her enough and she is my EVERYTHING! Also, I want not to purposely encourage Jane's codepency issues just because they benefit me, and being raised by creepy shrinks has made me a master (not really; I'm pretty obvious) emotional manipulator.
13) GROW UP, CAT. This list was supposed to be 12 for 2012, but that idea was retarded corny in the first place.
14) Stop saying retarded.
15) Adopt polar bears, tigers and gorillas in xoJane.com's name with money saved on not doing drugs.
Anyway, so that's how I'm doing.
How was your New Year’s? Mine was good until I took some too-intense ecstasy (AGAIN!) and wound up ditching the guy I was out with (and with whom I made out madly at midnight at the Jane Hotel; swag), which he decidedly did not feel. PRRRR, B., you're the best and I adore you! XOXOXOXO.
Okay, because this column was such a bummer though, I'm ending it with one of the greatest New Year's beauty products that I've actually never tried, called Cognac's Pink Champagne Bubble Bath:
And this is Cognac Wellerlane, whom you can hire to "sing Happy Birthday as Ivanka Trump." Um, amazing!:
Please go visit her website, Cognac's Corner, if just for the intro.
Oh, and here's some video:
So that's my first beauty advice of 2012: Buy this bubble bath.
So, what are your work resolutions? Is that even what this column is about? I'm so confusing.
Follow Cat on Twitter, little Tweetybirds. For technical/political reasons, she does not have Instagram at this time.