Have you noticed the small penis growing out of my hand? That is because of CAMPING. This weekend, I was somehow convinced to spend a night in “the great outdoors” and ended up slamming my pinky finger in a port-a-potty door. I almost bled to death. And got tetanus. We’re still not sure about that. Anyway, courtesy of MED XPRESS, I now have stitches and heaps of shame.
The next day, I ventured out of my house for 5 minutes to get coffee at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru. I didn’t bother to put on pants for the excursion, because hey, pants are absolutely not a requirement to sit in your own car. It’s too bad that before I could even get out of my neighborhood, I got pulled over for running a stop sign. The dude cop still gave me a ticket, which makes me feel bad about my legs.
Point of all of this is to A) make you feel better about your own life and B) explain why I will not be leaving my house for the next 34983209 years. Instead, I am going to hibernate with my new favorite products and complain about men. (I mean, if I was a dude I could have just peed outside and none of this would be a problem.) Here’s what I’m obsessing over from the safety of my bedroom.
Ooh, the flossy, flossy. This is the best glitter nail polish I have seen in my young life. The glitter “chunks” are really big and textured, which is great. Plus Fergie is a flawless queen.
I haven’t figured out how to wash my hair with one hand yet (I can’t get my stitches wet for a few days), so I just keep dousing my roots in baby powder. Seriously. In my opinion, good ol’ BP works better than the priciest dry shampoos. And it smells amazing. My boyfriend asked me yesterday if I did something different to my hair, because “it smells really good.” I literally have not showered in five days. BABY POWDER.
It smells like strawberry, costs like 6 bucks, and it made a breakout on my chin disappear. What more do you need to know??
So that’s been my week. What products make you feel better after talking to cop in your skivvies? Can you top my series of embarrassing events? Do any of you LIKE camping? Tell me everything.
Allie Riley Jones is tweeting with one hand at @allierileyjones.