Stuart Heritage

Stuart Heritage writes about film and TV for The Guardian, to little-to-moderate success. He co-founded with Robyn Wilder, who you may have heard of. He also has a personal website that doubles as a dimwitted cookery blog. He wrote this bit, and doesn't know why he kept referring to himself in the third person like this. It's weird. He lives in London, and quite often really fucking wishes he didn't.

Age: Thirty fucking two

Twitter: @StuHeritage

What I Do, Job-wise: Watch the telly, complain about watching telly.

What I Do, Fun-wise: I bake! I run until my nipples bleed! I play Assassin's Creed 3 just to kill rabbits! My Motto: 'Say LOL out loud and I will cut you'

My Anti-Motto: 'LOL! NOM!'

The First Movie Star I Ever Had A Crush On: Clarissa Burt from The Neverending Story II. Don't Google it. The internet has ruined nostalgia.

My “celebs to make out with” list: Oh, like I'm in any position to be picky.

The Most Played Song On My iTunes: Baby - Os Mutantes

Last Book I Read Without Skimming Any Parts: Naked, by David Sedaris.

My Most Worn Item of Clothing: Do contact lenses count as clothing?

Beauty Products That I Hoard: I am a boy! A BOY!

I smell like: Yesterday

I Have Faked An Orgasm (Yes/No): Funny you should ask. Literally faking one now.