What Can I Wear To Holiday Parties That Won't Make Me Look Like A Disco Ball Vomited All Over Me?

I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE 8 MILLIONTH GIRL IN A SEQUINED SILVER TOP AND BEBE MINISKIRT LINGERING NEAR THE HORS DE VOURS WHILE THE BALL DROPS.

Dec 23, 2013 at 3:30pm | Leave a comment

I've never really understood all you "moist"-haters out there, but there is one word that sends me into moist-like shudders, and that word is "festive." Every holiday season, fashion suddenly becomes "festive," which seems to be a descriptive word for clothing that looks like a disco ball vomited all over it.

Don't get me wrong, I love glitter, but the type of sequiny-flashy-BASIC clothing that seems to roll out between Thanksgiving and New Years gives me hives. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE 8 MILLIONTH GIRL IN A SEQUINED SILVER TOP AND BEBE MINISKIRT LINGERING NEAR THE HORS DE VOURS WHILE THE BALL DROPS.

Festive! It reminds me of that time one of my older co-workers commented on my "FUN TOP" and I couldn't stop repeating the phrase in my head and giggling for weeks.

So with the help of the Canon PowerShot Elph 330 HS (shout-out to the sponsor!), I decided to offer up a selection of potential holiday party outfits not one of which involve freakin' sequins, sheen or shimmer, in hopes that you kind readers will help me choose the perfect holiday party dress for me this season and also not tell me I look fat or ugly.

OPTION 1: THE LBD

image

Basic yes, but this little black dress from ASOS with boobie cup detailing hugs my lady lumps in just the right places and makes a fine backdrop for my ever-present party Diet Coke. I just need to be holding a drink, OK? If it's a little too basic for you, I can throw on my Anthropologie Antarctique Jacket (tres fancy spelling Anthropologie) for some added pizzazz. (Pizzazz makes me think of pizza; will there be pizza at this party?)

And let's not forget this party in the back for all the admirers who are seeing the side of me facing away from the buffet table:

image

OPTION #2: The Zooey Deschenel


image

Hooray for Modcloth! I could avoid holiday sex appeal all together and aim for something twee like this Tremendous Taste Dress. Big ups to the people who write the product descriptions at Modcloth by the way. How's this for poetry: "Its allover velvet dots stand out against the translucent short sleeves, as well as at the pleated skirt's hem, where the sheer overlay falls slightly past the black lining." The Modcloth copy writers are my Robert Frost. 

Option #3: The Sex Bomb

image

Something about the birth of Jesus just really makes me wanna slut it up. And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, judging by the amount of post-office-Christmas party hookup fallout I've witnessed. So why not go full on sexual TNT with this little red dress from ASOS. Or is red too on-the-nose for Christmas? I promise not to start wearing little jingle bell earrings or anything.

This is how you can tell I legitimately liked this camera (and my own face) -- outtakes from this red dress shoot are currently serving as both my Facebook and Twitter profile pictures. The pictures are crisp and clear and a step above my usual cameraphone photos but the camera itself is not too fancypants and confusing for a non-photographer to handle. Would use again, and in fact will use again, since I got to keep it!

Option #4: Go Graphic

image

I'd like to think of dress as sort of artsy and geometric, like something you'd see on the wall of a museum but I am possibly deluding myself and it's just a weird squiggly pattern unsuitable for holiday parties? Either way, you get where I'm going with this. Dressing like a gallerista is far superior to looking like a walking Christmas ornament. This dress, from Forever 21, is sold out, but there's a comparable version here.

Also: a seer surprise in the back for those who find back fat brings them holiday cheer!

image

So help me out, my little hand-sewn sequins. Which look do you think I should go with for THE MANY HOLIDAY PARTIES this 30-year-old mother of a 2-year-old will surely be invited to? Let me know in the comments.