It Took Less Than 24 Hours For My Lapsed Domain Name To Be Taken Over By Porn

Because of my inherent laissez faire attitude about the Internet, a Russian mail order bride is now my mascot.

Aug 24, 2011 at 11:07am | Leave a comment

It took less than 24 hours for my lapsed domain name to go all dominatrix on me.

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Actually, the woman who is not me and who is now featured on the front page of Bitchisthenewblack.com is more coked-out French maid than anything. There’s not one whip or ass-less leather chap in sight. Instead there’s a hooker’s hand basket -- lace-trimmed thigh highs, a useless apron, a scarecrow wig that needs its ends trimmed, insanely red lips, and big tits. She's the poster child for "Female Free Movie Sex" among other goods and services.

So when “fans” (otherwise known as people who are bored) go searching for the title of my first book, Bitch is the New Black, or more likely "that funny thing Tina Fey said on SNL that one time," they will come face-to-screen with Svetlanka the "Naughty French Maid." Not the cute little website I paid a very nice man a month’s rent to design last summer.

A "mistress" would’ve been better -- less submissive and skeevy. At least then I could say, "Look what happened when I got too scatter-brained to renew my domain registration? Red Sonja started selling fetishes in my name. You go, girl!"

Instead my online parking spot has been stolen. Stolen I say! By what looks to be a Slavic sex slave ring, judging from the cheap baroque reproduction Lazyboy in the background. This makes me very sad. I'm mourning my silly self-serving cyber CV, as well as the subjugation of women in the global sex economy. Seriously.

I’ve been trying to suss out the meaning of life in Svetlanka’s cleavage since Sunday night when I got the 50th and final notice that my two-year registration had inevitably expired. Oh, you guys were serious about that? I figure the universe is either trying to teach me a lesson about grown-up responsibility or an ex-boyfriend is trying to screw with me.

Somewhere at the bottom of the page the new owners of bitchisthenewblack.com would like to direct your attention to "dark pussy." Somehow I am embarrassed by this. I feel ashamed and exposed for absolutely no reason.

Now I have to figure out how to put my best cyber foot forward. HelenaAndrews.com has been taken since I was in graduate school when everyone was registering their first and last names in anticipation of being Woodward and/or Bernstein someday.

As a kid when name barrettes were all the rage, my mom had to buy "Helen" and then puffy paint the tiny "a" on herself. This made my hair haute couture and, of course, me special. I’ve never met another Helena (despite there being plenty) and never thought there’d be another Helena Andrews with more foresight than I have. According to Whois.net, whomever owns it hasn't done anything with it for nearly 10 years. I assume this person is a vampire.

Coming up with a catchy, short, and easy-to-spell domain name is friggin’ tough, lady. My original thought was dirtyastronautdiapers.com, which surprise surprise is still available. But all of two people get my obsession with disgraced astronaut, and all-around awesomely crazy, Lisa Nowak. Other than that I've got nothing, which is really sad considering the fact that I think up stuff for a living.

So until further notice Svetlanka is still sitting on the tiny plot of Internet that was once mine. I hope to snatch it back someday soon, but for now Svetlanka is the reminder that I need to take stuff more seriously.

[UPDATE: The Universe, i.e. Namecheap.com, heard my plea and my Internet Fairy Godfather, also known as my boyfriend, was able to jack move my old domain back! Svetlanka will forever be immortalized here. Also, since I plan to write other books and all manner of awesome stuff I'm still auditioning new names.]