I Can't Date You Unless You Have A Smartphone

As much as I hate to pull this card, I need a partner, not a kid brother. Get a grown-up's phone, please.
Publish date:
May 13, 2011
Dating, love, smartphones

Part One: First Date

Oh my gosh, of COURSE, stranger in a bar whose screen print t-shirt I made jokes about, I WOULD love go to a movie with you. Yes, please take my phone number to text me. Why are you holding your phone's battery in place like that, though? I find it equally as cute as your new-to-me young age.

Part Two: Three Days Later (Second Date)

Here I am, on time, at the IFC movie theater! And, cute guy who picked this time and venue, you're not here. Did you fall victim to the labyrinth of the west village? Did you know that the summer train schedule is marginally more convenient than the transportation options in Cloverfield? Well, you're not here, and the show starts in 15 minutes.

Heyyy, cute guy who I met at a show in a screen print whose now wearing another clever screen print tee! You're here! And you are still cute. And there are five minutes before the movie begins. Yeah, I've been watching the ticket line. No, it's not moving very quickly. Yes, I do think it's sold out. Yes, they just put up that sign on the ticket window that says sold out. A drink sounds fabulous, yes. French fries, too -- you remembered that I'm a vegetarian! Where should we go? Oh, I don't know. I'll eat anything, just not BBQ I guess?

Three Neighborhoods Later

We came all the way to Alphabet City for a scoop of ice cream? Yes, I do know some places to eat -- could you crank down that insistent "I know where I'm going" tone because you clearly do not. It's true I can't remember that place you went to once with your hilarious cousin and the memorably weirdly flavored ice creams, right next to "the cow thing" (????) and across the street from "the magazine store." WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET A SMARTPHONE?

Six Months Later

New York is a very big city! There are many things to do, many, many people to hang out with. It's very sweet for you, hypothetical Astronaut Mike Dexter hard-working hipster Jamie Hernandez, to try to plan our date, but your planning doesn't go very well on the fly.

This magical device in my posession called a Smart Phone lets me purchase movie tickets in advance, remember restaurants that I like and lead me on my way so I never have to keep extraordinary people like me waiting for too long. You were super sweet and nice, but not having a grown-up's phone, in addition to not doing your research before you left the house, really and truly put a damper on how much I could rely on you. New Yorker or not, I need a partner, not a kid brother.