Having a social justice warrior meme group has brought people into my life who are serious about their politics and also fucking hilarious.
Hands free selfies. HANDS FREE SELFIES. Can we, just for a moment, have a little think about these words. Imagine, if you will, the moment that this ingenious idea was thought up.
"I love taking photos of myself to showcase my incredible dress sense and array of fun and quirky accessories, and share them with literally TENS of people who care. But if only, IF ONLY, my arm wasn't poking out the side of the shot. I just can't get the camera far away enough to truly represent my wicked good style in its entirety. If only there was an app I could download that I could simply gesture at up to 22 feet away to take my photo for me. IF ONLY."
And so, an idea was born. This, my friends, is the future.
Never again will you have to self-consciously hashtag a photo of yourself on Instagram with "#shamelessselfie" so that you've made the joke before anyone else can. With this incredible app, you can pretend someone else took that photo of you that just happens to highlight your perfect cupid's bow and DAMN FINE MAKE UP GAME, babygurl.
It's safe to say that the handsfree selfies app (actually called CamMe) is going to improve my life significantly -- I'm not even being hyperbolic. The amount of SnapChats I'll now be able to send of me holding my top up and flashing my tits at people is going to rocket. Do you know how hard it is to try and selfie a good tit flash? Almost impossible.
I'd have to say that the app is probably in my Top 5 favourite new inventions of recent years, alongside McDonald's Caramel Frappes and "Man V Food."
So, I got thinking. What else would make my life better? What other inventions need to be produced in order for my life to be as easy and streamlined as possible? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!
Cher's wardrobe from Clueless
Well, duh. Not only can it allow you to try on all of your (extremely well organised and colour coded) clothes, it actually TELLS YOU if you're making a style fail. Heavenly.
Eugh, washing my hair is probably my least favourite thing, so I usually only bother about twice a week. I find it a real pain, you never know whether it's going to turn out right after you've blow dried it and then it always fucking rains all over it when you've done it. I know that hair is apparently self-cleaning anyway, but what I mean is that I want hair that stays at the kind of dirt-to-cleanliness ratio I get about two and a half days in. That would be perfect. Not too slippery and fly-away, but also not stinky.
As I write this, I have a brown stain on my white dress right on my left boob where I spilled miso all down it at lunchtime. Annoyingly, I can't really pass it off as a polka dot. I'd love to be able to just do a hand gesture over it and wave that slovely stain away. I generally don't care too much about having to do washing, but washing powder costs so much money! #FirstWorldProblems.
Sour Patch Kids that stay frozen
My snack of choice at the moment, Sour Patch Kids that are fresh from the freezer are The Ultimate. However, they unfreeze quite rapidly, so I have to chuck them back in the freezer and wait for them to harden up again before I can fully enjoy the sour goodness in all its icy glory. IF ONLY someone could invent something that meant that frozen stuff stayed frozen FOREVER. Then I could take frozen sweets to work! IMAGINE.
Really lightweight rollerboots that I could carry in my handbag
I quite regularly have the sudden urge to go rollerbooting down on the seafront until I remember that they weigh a ton and I'd have to lug them there (I wouldn't rollerboot my way down there, I would DEFINITELY get hit by a car and die). What I'd really like, inventors who are reading, is a pair of really lightweight rollerboots that could roll up or something, so I could just take them to work and zoom around on my lunchbreak.
A toothbrush that magically brushes cavities away so I would never need to go to the dentist
A zero-calorie McDonald's Caramel Frappe that tastes exactly the same as a regular one
Can you imagine? God. If I could have a McSlag's Caramel Frappe every single day without the worry that I wouldn't be able to fit in all my nice new clothes within a week, then I would. They are the best. The annoying thing about zero-calorie versions of things is that they usually taste like shite, so the inventors of this would really need to pull out all the stops in order to impress me.
Pens that you can't lose
Why are pens the worst? I always finally get attached to a pen and then BAM! The bloody thing somehow completely disappears off the face of the earth, never to be seen again. You then have to build up a new relationship with a different pen, and it's NEVER THE SAME. I need a pen with a homing device built in.
An iPad that never loses battery just as I get to a critical plot development in "Eastenders"
Probably the most annoying thing ever. I'll just be right in the middle of chopping an onion in the kitchen with my iPad propped up, enjoying the storyline of Lauren becoming an alcoholic and trying to climb out of Tanya's bathroom window when suddenly the bastarding thing dies on me. Yes, I know I could plug it in and charge it up, and I know that with just a little foresight this scenario could be avoided completely, but this is my dream, OK?
SO. They're a few of my utterly incredible ideas that would definitely win me the Nobel Prize if any of them came into fruition. Now your go. What would you want to see invented to make your life better and/or easier? Make them shallow and pointless, please, so I don't look bad. Ta.
I'm on Twitter: @Natalie_KateM