Facebook: Letting You Know Who's a Dick Since 2004

The problem with something so big, so incredibly huge and out of control is that everyday you will see someone who you previously thought was alright, being a dick.
Publish date:
March 8, 2013
facebook, fun, how to not look stupid, idiots

I remember when Facebook first came onto the scene, an exciting world of "tagging" and "poking" and uploading profile pictures that didn't resemble your actual face at all. It was a heady time, I remember migrating from Bebo (!) and being amazed at the clean lines and simple functions.

Little by little, everyone joined, long-lost friends, cousins, old flames, new flames -- the phrase "Add me on Facebook!" yelled out of the window of the Night Bus after spending all night attached to the face of a boy smelling of kebabs and Lynx Africa was our calling card.

As Facebook grew, it became an every day part of my life. Nights out were documented with literally hundreds of photos, all split into different albums named creatively like "BIG NITE OUT 1" and "BIG NITE OUT 2!!!!!!" because of the 60 photo limit.

Uploading was a full afternoon event, usually done with friends, quality checking each photo before they went up. It was FUN.

It stayed fun for a couple of years, when you could log in and chat for hours wall-to-wall with friends in the next room and check and see if the person you fancy was online by the little outline of a computer that would be under their photo. It was novel!

In the 6 years since I joined, Facebook has documented everything. It begins with my 20th birthday, celebrating with friends in my hometown. If I look back, it shows me with my then-boyfriend, and then on the messy nights out following our break up, the 'move' to Ibiza, new jobs, more nights out, moving in with friends, moving home again, moving out again.

It has the very first photo of me and my boyfriend, the photos of the night we met suspended online, our first date, our first holiday, our first home.

It holds pregnancies. Births. Marriages. Deaths.

And a whole lot of dickheads.

The problem with something so big, so incredibly huge and out of control is that everyday you will see someone who you previously thought was alright, being a dick. It's a fact. Someone will have liked a page called "Booty Slap Day," or a photo of dead baby with "Like this if you hate abortion!" (That happened on my Facebook recently.)

The list of reasons for deleting people from my Facebook feed is getting longer by the day.

Please do not like sexist pages, guys I know.

It makes you look like a fucking chump. Which you probably are. I just logged on to see a "like" for the page "Rack of the Day." Eugh. If you "like" the LADBible page, I know automatically that you are a complete wang.

People need to stop sharing those "If I get to 100,000 likes I'll marry my girlfriend name my baby Haribo/clean out my garage."

NO-ONE CARES. Seriously. PLEASE STOP LIKING THEM. My 'blocking' finger is getting a callous.

Vaguebooking makes you a dick.

"OMG I can't believe that just happened but I can't say what so don't ask me OK." Followed by 18 posts along the lines of "R U OK bb?"

Thinly veiled "national pride" posts which are in fact racist diatribes are not welcome in my home feed.

I've had enough of seeing statuses declaring such passion and love for their country that they want "Everyone else to go back from where they came from!" NOT COOL.

Sharing the inside of your child's potty is a bit much.

When I'm eating my lunch, I really don't want to see the contents of little Bobby's potty -- regardless of whether it's the first time he has managed to get it all inside the bowl or not.

Check in at the gym and check out of my social sphere.


Another thing that people hate but I am 100% guilty of, every day, is posting food photos.

I am so bad for this. I seem to be incapable of having a meal without photographing in from 125 different angles, in different lights and then Instagramming it and using every different filter a couple of times to see whether "Mayfair" or "Hefe" makes my chargrilled halloumi look most pant-moisteningly delicious. I am fully aware that this makes me a dick, and I hold my hands up.

Am I just being grumpy today? What do you hate on Facebook? Seen any absolute corkers recently? Come at me in the comments, xoJaners.

I prefer Twitter: @Natalie_KateM