Ask Natalie: I Need More Impressive Alarm Clock Technology

"Can you write a post about advances in alarm clocks or something? This morning, my alarm went off, and I turned if off, and, LIKE AN IDIOT, went back to sleep for a few hours and was late to work."
Publish date:
July 28, 2011
gadgets, alarm clocks

Dear Natalie,

Can you write a post about advances in alarm clocks or something? This morning, my alarm went off, and I turned if off, and, LIKE AN IDIOT, went back to sleep for a few hours and was late to work.



PS - I love when you make jokes in the comments of my posts.

Always a pleasure when Daisy writes in to XOTech! And her challenge is not unique, I'm afraid. I have mechanically turned off the bleeping box in a sleepwalker's haze, only to be absolutely pissed off at myself a few hours later, but I haven't in a long, long time. I'm going to already assume that you have your alarm clock far away from your bed so that it requires you to physically get up and run to halt the beeping. And I'm going to skip all that health/sleeping patterns mumbo jumbo because your magic armband knows more on the subject than I do. Let's see how technology can help!

Now Daisy, I know you're athletic. What if your alarm clock ran away and hid from you when it started beeping? Clocky (cute product name alert!) does just that.

Or, would you like to chuck a 2-pound bleating robot to wake you up in the morning? Those exist! I can only imagine how fun it must be to watch a grumpy sleeper hurl that gadget across the room and break something new every day.

You're also smart. Smart enough to math in your sleep? No one on EARTH is! That’s why the Math Alarm Clock was written. It’s an app (for Droid -- the iPhone app doesn’t work; just tried) that will pester your sleepy-assed self to do complex addition and subtraction problems until you've proven that you're absolutely awake.

Do you use the Sleep button? Yes? Then, my next recommendation is to literally remove the Sleep button from your alarm. To do this, unplug your alarm clock (or remove its batteries) and use needle nosed pliers to pluck the Sleep button off of the device, starting at the corner of the button, and lifting directly away from the device. Cursing loudly while performing this task will ensure its effectiveness.

While we're on the subject, I think much can be said for the significance of the Sleep button in our culture. No longer do we need to follow the cycles of the sun to rise and fall every day, or even the precise time when our alarms go off. Cha! Who needs to wake up at 6:07AM when we can be rewarded with little nibbles of bonus sleep by pressing this greedy, indulgent button whenever we want?

I mean, why stop there? The Sleep button could be better if it also dispensed M&Ms. Or if it reminded you how much shit you need to get up early to do. Or if it only lasted for 20 seconds and, by design, infuriated you so much you had to get out of bed.

I know that some people have a really hard time getting up in the morning, and that anti-Sleep-button people like me are complete morning-people freaks. It's true; I am one. But this is only because I'm not physically able to stay awake past midnight (breaking Tech Myth #3: All tech geeks stay up late).

By the way, this I-can-only-awake-by-machine problem is a very fortunate one to have. No puppies, lovers, children, construction or noisy roommates disrupt your slumber. I'm in the same boat and it is delicious.

This is my alarm clock.

It's cute and bright and beeps like a mofo. I hate how it sounds, but that means it's doing its job. I don't even see that S L double E P button on there because I know that it will endanger my morning-person status. It's digital because I am a weirdo and the tick-tocking of clocks keeps me up at night (though the bustling streets of Brooklyn somehow do not). It costs $20, also comes in a lovely sky-blue, and works like a dream. An awake dream.

Hope this helps, Daisy!