I feel pulled between a pressure to launch into 2013 with a more positive mindset and a desire to just stop trying - that way, I can’t mess it up. But maybe I should give the New Year some cautious, realistic thought.
Christmas acts as a reminder, a marker of the passage of time. It can be easy to deny how long I've been ill, until I realise that I'm not sure when I last ate a Christmas dinner, a roast potato or a mince pie.
As I write this column I passionately want to offer hope and light at the end of the tunnel. But am I fraudulent in telling people that things can change, that recovery is possible, when I’m struggling to believe it for myself?