If I added up the time I spend watching football, researching players, and writing weekly fantasy recaps for my league, it would probably be at least a part-time job.
So, I dunno if you guys, like, totally heard, or what, but word on the street is: I’m only in it to impress dudes. I know, right? Apparently I’m so concerned about doing this that I don’t even care if I totally throw other chicks under the bus. I don’t know why this is a big deal, or whatever, because, um, hel-lo! Boys are the best! They have, like, money and stuff to pay for my drinks. And penises! And obviously all of my daddy issues mean that I’m basically nothing unless men pay attention to ME ME ME ME ME.
(Please hold: It’s sooooooooo hot in here. I’m just going to take this clingy T-shirt off and type in my lacy push-up bra. Okay. So much better!)
Anyway, obviously once I realized that my life wasn’t going to be complete unless lots and lots and LOTS of men were fawning over me, I came up with a way to make that happen. Watch and learn, bitches. I mean, lovely ladies whom I adore and don't ever consider competition.
THINGS I NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO GET ATTENTION FROM MEN SO I CAN FINALLY JOIN THEIR “BOYS’ CLUB” AND ….
1. Like sports. (Or PRETEND to like sports. Whatever.)2. Show my cleavage. While watching sports.
3. Have an amazing ass.
4. Smile all of the time, even first thing in the morning. Guys like girls who are happy!
5. Befriend a quasi-celebrity who girls love to hate.
6. Learn how to snowboard.
7. Buy snowboarding pants that show off my ass.
8. Get good at snowboarding.
9. Break my back snowboarding, so that all of the guys don’t feel threatened.10. Learn how to surf.11. Ew, just kidding. Surfing is hard! 12. Learn how to put on a skintight wetsuit and paddle out in the ocean while also looking très adorable. Note: wear waterproof mascara. OBVI!
13. Giggle. While watching sports, snowboarding, surfing, etc. It makes men feel smart and powerful!
14. Get a job writing for a women’s website, but only write things that men will like. YOU’LL SHOW THEM!
OMG. Re-typing that list was so exhausting. It’s hard to type when your bra keeps falling off, amirite, ladies?
ANYWAY, so, like, regarding #10. Obviously I tried to learn how to surf so that guys would think I was super cool and down and stuff. It definitely never ever bothers me when I paddle out and there’s tons of room and suddenly, from out of nowhere there are like six dudes crowding my space and trying to start up conversation. I mean, why would I care that they’re keeping me from getting waves when, duh, I don’t even care about catching them? Ya know? B-O-Y-S: BOYS! BOYS! BOYS
So, anyway. These chicks from Roxy, who can actually surf super well because obviously they had nothing going for them and so they had to learn how to surf in order to get boyfriends? Yeah. They had the AUDACITY to show up at this super “secret” San Francisco surf spot recently to shoot a commercial. Or, the "ultimate indignity," as this posttotally rightfully called it.
And, I mean. This place is super secret. Like, if they hadn’t shown up there, the masses never would have known it existed because, um, it’s totally right underneath the Golden Gate Bridge AND NO ONE EVER GOES TO THAT THING. It’s like, sooooooo 75 years ago.
And, ohmygod, you guys? People were kind of pissed. Because, as you and I both know perfectly well, you don’t just SHOW UP at a locals-only spot if you’re a girl. ESPECIALLY not if you’re a girl with a sponsor. I mean, just. Ugh. SO TACKY.
So yeah, these girls showed up and the guys? They actually “let” them catch waves. Lucky for the girls, the Pacific Ocean wasn’t showing off her powerful ways that day (Isn’t it so cute that men let the ocean be female? I mean, obviously she has to be because she’s like TOTALLY always about to get her period, right????), so anyway, she was tired that day, so these professional surfer chicas just had adorable little baby waves to ride all day long, but anyway, not the point.
The point? The locals LET them catch waves because
and have boobies.
(I HAVE BOOBIES TOO, BY THE WAY, IN CASE ANYONE FORGOT.) I mean, duh, the guys complained about it afterward because, um, hi: they’re guys. They have a reputation to maintain WHICH I TOTALLY SUPPORT.
So I just want to say to the men who let those Roxy girls catch those waves in their super secret spot: Thank you. You guys are seriously the most awesomest ever. I know it was a really big deal to let those dumb girls surf on YOUR waves. Thanks guys! Love you.
And next time I paddle out in one of your secret spots? Don’t even worry about it. I’m totally just there to look hot and giggle. And slowly, but surely, make my way into your boys' club.
BOOBIES!!!!! Follow Daisy on Twitter for more amazing ways to land (or water!) a man. Both places you can have sex! Unless you want a UTI! In which case, don't do it in water! TRUTH!