Rich People Ruin Everything, And Why The Sacramento Kings Really Do Need a New Arena

Sure, I may be fiscally irresponsible, but I don't own a basketball team.
Publish date:
May 6, 2011
alcohol, basketball, nba

I suck at money. But I never really have any money, so it doesn’t really bother me. If I were wealthy enough to own things like basketball teams, arenas, fancy casinos and liquor distribution companies, I’d pay someone to make sure I didn’t go broke. I’d have to because if I owned all of those things, I’d likely be drunk most of the time and drunk people don’t make very good financial decisions. Or at least that’s what I learned the time I had $127 in my checking account, but decided to drink “Make Your Own Mimosas” at brunch and use my credit card to binge shop at Saks afterwards. On the “cheap” floor. Sheesh. I’m not THAT irresponsible.

You know who else sucks at money? The Maloofs. You may recognize that name from things like “owners of the Sacramento Kings,” “cast member of 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,' and “landlords of that casino where the first 'Real World: Las Vegas' was filmed.” You may also have heard that the Maloofs are now (allegedly) broke.

But the only person who suffers from the fact that I suck at money is me. The Maloofs, on the other hand, suck at money and are bringing everyone else down with them, especially the Sacramento Kings and their fans.

The Kings have some of the most loyal fans in the NBA, but the Maloofs want to move the team away from Sacramento. Why? They can’t make money in Sacramento. Why? Because, well, Sacramento sucks. And most of the players suck (the problem with playing in a small market that no marquee players want to move to). And the Power Balance Pavilion sucks. And the NAME of the Power Balance Pavilion sucks. And all of that sucking means no money for the Maloofs. And the Maloofs need money.

The Maloofs could earn some substantial revenue if the Kings were to play in a better arena. But the problem is: The Maloofs can’t pay for a new arena. So they want the city of Sacramento and the taxpayers to foot the bill. And last week, they announced that they will stay in Sacramento for another year, but that if a new state-of-the-art arena plan isn’t in place after the 2011-2012 season, they’ll leave.

You can’t really blame them. As I said, Sacramento sucks. That’s probably not a very nice thing to say about my state capital, but I don’t care. It’s true. Let me put it this way: I’ve been dating my boyfriend (who lives in “Sac”) for almost nine months and guess how many times I’ve spent the night at his house?


That being said, he did convince me to go to a Kings’ game a few weeks ago, which gave me a chance to do a little investigating into this whole “need a new arena thing” everyone keeps talking about.

What did I find?

That picture up top is me in one of the little rooms where they handle things like putting up the scores of other games and scrolling tickers that remind people to chant “DE-FENSE!” And all of that stuff. It has to be done manually. By people. Like several people. On computers. FROM THE 1800s. You know, when computers were first invented.

Seriously, people. That thing I’m holding? It’s a 5¼-inch floppy disk that contains all of the pre-written scrolling screen messages. Do you know when the 5¼-inch floppy disk was invented? The 1970s. (I’m also holding a vodka soda, which, once surrounded by technology from the Mesozoic Era, I could not slurp down fast enough.)

Wait. Where was I? Vodka. Oh. No. Sorry. FLOPPY DISKS, the most riveting of topics.

Anyway, the vintage machinery was proof enough for me that a new arena is in order. And that it’s not fair that Kings fan have to suffer because of other people’s poorly handled finances. I just hope Sacramento can pull it together because if they can’t, the fans will not only lose their team, they’ll lose the only reason they have to live.

And just the thought of that makes me want another vodka. Speaking of, before I even finished gulping down the drink in that picture, I went to get another one. What can I say? Floppy dicks, I mean, disks, make me want to drink.