I Hate the L.A. Lakers But I Hate My Alcoholic Ex-Boyfriend More

Five Reasons to Hate the L.A. Lakers. And One Reason to Love Them.

Mar 24, 2011 at 4:38pm | Leave a comment

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I hate the LA Lakers. Despise them. Like would probably be secretly happy if The Staples Center burned down. While no one was in it, of course! (She says to avoid hate mail.)

There are a lot of reasons to detest the Lakers, not the least of which is that they just win. A lot. And that’s annoying if you’re not a fan. But in case you need more convincing, I’ve made a quick list for you:

1. Kobe Bryant. He's pompous. He's selfish. He's a philanderer. And oh, right, he's a rapist*. (*Alleged. Whatever.)

2. Phil Jackson. Sure, he may be one of the best coaches in the history of the NBA, but he's also self-congratulatory, arrogant, and disrespectful. He may win, but would you want him as your father?

3. They’re a bandwagon team. Everyone likes the Lakers because they win. That’s totally fine if you’re a four-year-old, but even then, it is the responsibility of the parents of the aforementioned child to teach their kid the glory of rooting for the underdog. Seriously people. Does no one read his kids the “Little Engine That Could” anymore?

4. The fans. I mean, sure, the amount of celebrities who sit court-side at these games is likely keeping the tabloids in business, but honestly? Lakers fans are The Worst. From those stupid flags they all drive around with on their cars to the fact that they’re all too busy texting during the game to actually clap to the fact that, oh right, when their team WON the championship last year, they celebrated by smashing windows, starting fires and rioting, well… I think you get it. The Worst.

5. Purple and gold team colors. Fine, that’s a super girlie excuse, but still. Purple and gold are a hideous combination and you know it.

So yeah, I can’t stand the Lakers, which means you’d think I would have been bummed earlier this week when they defeated the Phoenix Suns 139-137 in TRIPLE overtime. Except it turns out there’s something I can’t stand more than the Lakers.

My ex-boyfriend.

Sorry, let me clarify. My abusive, alcoholic, crazy-town USA, convicted felon, PHOENIX SUNS-LOVING, ex-boyfriend.

And so when I heard the score of the game and the fact that it was gut-wrenching triple overtime, a slow smile creeped across my face.

I can’t get back at him for screaming “whore” at me on public transportation or paying a bartender $50 to tell me to go fuck myself, but I can take satisfaction in knowing that the only thing seemingly capable of hurting him, a loss by his favorite team, did just that.

Thanks Lakers. I owe you one. Happy to pay you back in the form of a team colors makeover. I'm a giver like that.