If I added up the time I spend watching football, researching players, and writing weekly fantasy recaps for my league, it would probably be at least a part-time job.
FOOTBALL SEASON IS FINALLY HERE! I know. I know, I know, I know, I know! THANK GOD. I mean, seriously: what is the point of getting out of bed the other seven months of the year? Am I right? (Hint: Yes. I am.)
Hopefully you’re lucky enough to be going to a game or two (or eight, not including the playoffs) this year, so I put together a quick list of everything you need to survive the stadium in comfort and as much style as one can possibly have at a NFL game. (And, no, bulletproof vests are not on the list because we’re done with that, right?)
1. Get Sacked: The Perfect Bag
Be prepared for the fact that whatever bag you bring is going to spend most of its time on the floor covered in spilled beer and spit-covered sunflower seeds. So, you’ll probably want to leave your Balenciaga at home (Think: under $50). That being said, you also need a bag that’s roomy, but not so roomy as to annoy you while you’re tailgate-hopping.
You’ll also want to check the stadium rules, but in most cases backpacks are NOT allowed and your bag can’t be bigger than 14x14x10. I know. So complicated.
Keeping all of that in mind, here are a few options:
I like this one because it's water resistant, has a lot of pockets, and a cross-body strap.
This is for those of you who like the look of a handbag/purse. But it's roomy and still has a cross-body strap so it won't get in the way when you're pounding beer in the parking lot. (DRINK RESPONSIBLY. OR SOMETHING.)
Apparently, I really like cross-shoulder straps. And bags that are marketed to teenagers.
Okay, fine. This is more than $50, but I mean: It's a classic. It's an investment. Blah blah blah. You'll use it all the time. Plus, it's so grown-up! And red!
2. Instant Replay: Digital Camera
Assuming you’re less interested in capturing the action on the field and more interested in cute pics for Facebook, a simple point-and-shoot digital camera should do the trick. Again, stadiums have rules about what kind of camera you’re allowed to bring inside, so leave the professional gear at home.
Mostly I just like that it's red. NINERS!
3. Go Down Field: Binoculars
Yes, I’m the huge dork at the game who has binoculars glued to her face at all times. You’re shocked, I know. Seriously though: binoculars ensure you can see what’s happening on the field at all times and they’re great for checking out what’s going down on the sidelines. Not that into the game? Use them to check out hot guys in the stands.
4. Place Your Bets: Cash Money
Yes, most stadiums take credit cards, but freestanding concession (read: beer!) stands usually only take cash and also tend to have the shortest lines. Also, if you want to buy cotton candy or corndogs or any of that crap they walk around and sell, you’ll need dollar bills, yo.) And I know you’re going to give me hell for saying this, but please tip your “bartender.” Paying $8.75 for a beer sucks -- BELIEVE ME I KNOW -- but giving them that dollar puts a smile on their face that’s totally worth it. (You wouldn’t stiff a bartender, would you?)
5. Great Coverage: Proper Attire
The weather at Candlestick is crazy. It can go from 80 degrees to 50 and foggy in a matter of minutes, so I always bring a sweatshirt, hat and mittens, but obviously you know what’s best in your town. If it’s raining, bring an umbrella, but don’t be a dick and bring some monstrosity that’s going to block people’s view. Not that you'd ever do that because you're the best.
Please note my 49ers hoodie, scarf, and mittens. Please disregard the surly look on my face. This was the last game of the season after our shitty season last year. Also, SOMEONE FORGOT TO PUT ON HER LIPGLOSS. (See #9.)
6. Get Stuffed: Snacks!
My favorite people to bring to the game are the ones who bust out yummy snacks in the second quarter. Goldfish, peanuts, fruit (cut in pieces, otherwise they think you’re going to throw it on the field), pb&j and cookies are all delicious treats that I will happily devour.
This is actually a picture of my dinner the other night and you can't bring in glass bottles or alcohol (BUMMER), but I think you get the idea.
7. (Beer) Safety: Plastic Bottle Caps
Okay, I’m reaching now, but if you can get your hands on one of these, you’ll thank me. When you buy your beer, they keep the cap in an effort to prevent you from stockpiling beer (I assume). The thing is: when you buy beer, you ALWAYS BUY TWO because you don’t want to have to keep getting up. The problem with that though is inevitably some dumbass (never you; you’re better than that), kicks the second bottle over when he’s jumping up and down because you (you=your team) just scored a touchdown.
8. Huddle Up: A Blanket
I mean, duh, don’t bring a blanket if you live in Miami, but if you live somewhere chilly or you’re going to a night game, you’ll be stoked if you have a blanket to snuggle up with. Bonus points if you give your boyfriend a hand job under the blanket. But only if you can still pay attention to the game. Also, if that’s the case, you probably also want to bring paper towels? I’m going to stop now while I’m ahead(ish). Maybe no blanket.
9. In the Red Zone: Lip Gloss
WHAT? I like football, but I also like feeling pretty. I’m obsessed with Fresh Sugar Plum Tinted Lip Treatment because it has SPF 15, has an awesome darkish color that’s not whorish or anything, swipes on without a mirror, and smells delish. If this color’s too dark for you try the Rose or Honey. Chic!
10. Don't Get Sidelined: Bring the Tickets
Double. Triple. Quadruple check. Last year I saw a guy get turned away because he brought tickets for the following week's game. I would die. DIE.
BE THE TWELTH MAN!
Show your support! Your team is relying on your to show up on time, cheer loudl, and wear your team colors. Don’t be that girl who wears a pink bedazzled jersey, unless you are that girl, in which case you’re going to do it no matter what I say. Junk Food Clothing makes some cool t-shirts and you can also find a huge selection at NFL.com.
So there you have it. Go forth. Have fun. And I hope your team wins. But only if you’re a 49ers fan!
ALL HAIL FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!!!!!