I Have Slept With Exactly One Dude Other Than My Husband And It All Worked Out OK

I have slept with two guys. TWO.
Publish date:
October 2, 2013
Dating, marriage, virginity, bucket lists, sex bingo, M

Disclaimer: If you are a member of my family, please stop reading because this is about my sex life. If you bring this article up at Thanksgiving I will stuff pumpkin pie up your nose. Kthx.

First of all, I have nothing against sluts. I love a good slut. Some of my best friends are sluts. So, if you have checked off most of this "9 dudes to bang before you get married" list (not that I think nine dudes is slutty anyway), I applaud you and I’d really like to hear some of your stories (Creepy? Sorry).

Daisy did a great job defining the terms and limits of this list, so I won’t do that, but I will repost the list itself, just so we’re all on the same page.

  1. The Bad Boy
  2. The Older Man
  3. The Foreigner
  4. The Wealthy Man
  5. The Athlete
  6. A Man in Uniform
  7. The Nice Guy
  8. The Pretty Boy
  9. A Younger Man

When we were discussing this particular pitch amongst ourselves I have to admit I felt a little… “unaccomplished” I guess is the word I’m looking for? I am zero for zero on this thing.

I mean, I've only slept with two people.

Besides my husband (who I met when I was 19), the only other person I slept with was a boy who dumped me in the Downtown Disney parking lot after a Wallflowers concert that I had paid for (grim). We only slept together once (ONCE!) and then he broke up with me four days later.

He later came out as gay and moved to Australia. I remember getting a really apologetic phone call from him while I was in a Trader Joe’s.

Sidebar: My dad immediately knew that he was gay and tried to tell me, but I thought I knew better because the boy's penis would get hard when we made out.

There’s no ill will between us anymore, but the whole thing was kind of traumatizing.

I became a little suspicious of dudes as a whole and wasn't really in a hurry to sleep with another one. I made out with a few, but just didn’t feel like banging any of them.

Then I met Sean and that’s the end of my list.

Do I wish I had done it differently?

Not really. I cannot think of a single dude I regret not having sex with. I am curious, though. Because really, that first one barely counted. I mean, I was definitely devirginized or whatever, but one virgin screwing another virgin (especially when there are conflicting orientations in play) doesn’t exactly make for anything resembling a fun sexy time.

The thing I remember most about the incident is him laughing when I said “OUCH!”

So yes, I’m a little curious about what it would be like to sleep with other people, but only because I want to know what weird things they’re into and maybe pick up a couple of new techniques. Everybody has different sexing styles, and though I really like my current one, it would be nice to have one story that starts with “This one guy I was dating loved it when I “insert something weird and wonderful here.”

But it’s no tragedy.

One thing Sean did “wreck” for me was my trip to Italy. We became exclusive right before my three-month trip to Florence, where I’m sure I would have bagged an Italian, or at least a British expat or an American with an eyebrow ring.

But I GUESS it’s okay, since he turned out to be my favorite person in this entire world.

So that’s how I’ve only slept with two dudes.

BUT, none of this stops me from making a list of my own, a “slutty bingo” if you will, that I would work through methodically if my situation and life were completely different.

Claire’s List of Nine Folks You Should Probably Do and Tell Her about It:

  1. Musician - Would settle for one of the Memphis horns or something. Not asking to bang Jagger or Hendrix or Otis Redding.
  2. Comedian – But like a really dark one
  3. Professional Bull Rider – Hopefully he could last more than eight seconds, amirite?
  4. Pop culture writer
  5. Professional Chef - Obviously
  6. Anyone who was ever cast in Star Trek (Original, TNG, or DS9)
  7. A vegan – To see if all that PETA propaganda is true.
  8. Mick Jagger
  9. A woman