Women And Men CAN Be Just Friends: I Know For A Fact That My Best Friend Brian Does Not Want To F@#% Me

3 years (and going) of friendship and helping each other get laid by other people.

May 17, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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#justfriends

 
One of my greatest pet peeves in life is when people talk about how men who are attracted to women and women who are attracted to men can’t just be friends. And if they can be friends, it’s usually because one of the parties is attracted to the other and is only enduring the friendship (the agony!) in the hopes the other party finally wises up and takes off their pants.
 
You see this being played out in romantic comedy after romantic comedy and I’m sick of it. Stop being so predictable, the media! 
 
My favorite is when two super-attractive characters who have been friends for years, never considered each other a romantic prospect until the end of the movie, and suddenly, it’s BAM -- they’re soulmates and everyone around them knew it but them. We can pretty much infer that they got married, had children and lived happily ever fucking after. For real, girl? You never noticed his washboard abs and perfect hair until years later? I call bullshit.
 
I have always had a lot of male friends -– particularly of the “bro” variety. That’s just the way it’s always been and I’m not quite sure why, considering I’m not much of a tomboy and take a lot of pride in being “girly.” And before we get further into this I want to make clear that I’m definitely not one of those girls who goes on and on about how she prefers to be friends with men because bitches be petty. (My eyeballs almost got stuck from me rolling them while typing out that sentence.)
 
I love my female friends and I think being friends with women is imperative to everyone’s sanity. In the words of Chelsea Handler, “If you’re a female and you don’t have any female friends, then you’re a fucking bitch.” Just sayin’.
 
But we’re not talking about female friendships today, so get ready to read about some dudes. 
 
First of all, what really bugs me about the theory that straight men and straight women can’t be just friends (which some people believe to be fucking gospel) is that it reduces people into hormonally driven animals. We all have brains, and despite evidence to the contrary, I don’t just think with my vagina, thankyouverymuch.
 
I also don’t believe men are all horny pigs who just want to put their dicks into things. Even some of my more post-frat man friends have really stepped up to be some of the more compassionate, kind and intelligent people I’ve ever met in my life. Which brings me to my “second of all.” 
 
Second of all, I think this theory is just propaganda and does nothing but encourage a misogynistic thought process. I think the world can only benefit from developing platonic friendships with the opposite gender. I think that it helps us see each other as human beings and not just sexual objects.
 
In my experience, men who have female friends are much more emotionally stable, respectful and well-rounded individuals than the men I have met who have never been encouraged to or who straight-up refuse to develop friendships with women, instead preferring to limit their interactions with women to their girlfriends or dates. 
 
The former are usually awesome dudes who are comfortable in their own skin and love having a great time, while the latter are usually totally emotionally stunted miserable dicks with completely outdated social view points. And dudes who are reading this, take note: get some female friends if you haven’t already, because no cool chick wants to date the latter. 
 
Third of all, I have proof that this theory is totally bogus: My friendship with my buddy Brian. BK (a nickname for Brian that I usually use to refer to him) and I have been friends for over three years now. We met through a mutual friend at a St. Patrick’s Day party and have been inseparable ever since. I’m not kidding.
 
Since BK and I became friends, I have seen him at least once a week, and for two busy self-employed New Yorkers (check out his awesome company UPlanMe, btw, and yes this is a total shameless plug for my BFF), that’s a lot. There have even been weeks that I spent more time with Brian than I have my own boyfriend. 
 
And, yes, our friendship has raised a lot of suspicion amongst our respective romantic partners who can’t believe that BK and I have never touched private parts. Forget private parts, BK and I have never even touched tongues. Actually, last December we made a pact that if neither of us had a date for NYE, we’d be each other’s kiss at midnight. Very cliché, I know, but we were both drunk and it was 2am and don’t pretend you’ve never done the same thing.
 
But when we both showed up stag to the NYE party and the moment finally came, we both completely pussied out. It would have just been too weird and here’s why:
 
Brian and I get along so well because we have a similar view on friendship: Don’t mix it with sex because it’ll only complicate things. Brian and I have also done our share of winging for each other. I have hooked him up with an assortment of my girlfriends and I have also dated one of his friends. Hooking up with Brian knowing he’s been with my friends is just too uncomfortable of a concept for me, not to mention I’d rather slit my wrists than cause problems with my lady friends. 
 
Look, I’m not saying I’m prefect and keep all my man friends strictly in the “friend zone, “ I just really value the innocence of our friendship and he does, too. We both think it’s really cool that we’ve never hooked up and don’t plan to in the future. We’re non-conformist like that.
 
Actually, I’m not even his type. He loves himself some petite little brunettes, so if you fit the bill, live in the New York area and think BK has got it going on, let me be the first to tell you that Brian is one of the coolest people I know, he’s got the hookup on practically any SummerStage concert, he placed 4th at last year’s New York Marathon, he had a brief but very successful career as a butt model, and he once saved a litter of puppies from a burning building. Step right up girls, he’s single and ready to mingle. 
 
So do you agree that this whole theory is total bullshit? Disagree? Think Brian is a hottie with a body? Let’s talk about it.