I Date My Friends' Husbands, And It's Working Out Really Well for Me

It's the right way for a woman like me, who wants to remain unmarried, to go about having her emotional and sexual needs met.
Publish date:
August 26, 2016
polyamory, friends, maturity, open marriage

A year ago, I barely knew anything about polyamory. I just knew that one of my best friends' husbands had a crush on me — she's the one who told me about it — and that I reciprocated his crush. Unhappy with my relationship at the time, I finally left him and started seeing said friend's husband, with her full knowledge and approval.

And this is how I started to learn that dating friends' husbands — openly and ethically, of course — is just the right way for a woman like me, who wants to remain unmarried, to go about having her emotional and sexual needs met.

Not that single men are bad — in fact, I'm also dating single men while I'm seeing married ones. But married ones have several things going for them that are kind of an instant bonus for me.

Your friends' husbands come with references

If you're interested in your friends' husbands, then you probably already know a lot about them. Along with getting to know them through friendship, you've also heard about them from your friends, which is why it's so much easier to know whether the man is good for you or not.

Sure, there's nothing like getting to know someone personally. But the fact that they get along well enough with your friend to be married to them is already a good sign. And you've probably spent plenty of time with them in friendly situations, so you already have an idea of who they are and what they like.

But the benefits don't just stop at friendship. If your friends are open about their sex lives, you might even have had a preview of what kind of lover they are. I've had such an experience, where a friend published an erotic short story of a time she had with her husband (and a man I'm interested in). He protested publishing it a little bit, she told me, but when she said, "Consider this a reference for other women who might be interested in you," he changed his mind.

Your friends' husbands have their shit together, mostly

This is one thing I like about married men who have been successfully (the "successfully" is important!) married for a while (like, more than 10 years): They have their emotional shit mostly together.

They know what it's like to communicate well with a significant other. They are generally grown-up men who know how to be responsible (extra points when they have children!) and considerate. Their word is a promise. They do their best to make everyone happy if they can.

Of course, these qualities aren't automatic in all married men. I understand that. But married men who have been partnered for a long time and polyamorous are generally emotionally mature and good communicators, and they just act grown-up in the most refreshing way possible. They're certainly different from most of the single men I date.

Your friends' husbands are, well, married

It's been an interesting shift in my love life since I started seeing married men. It's a great way for me to date mature and established men without all the emotional neediness that two singles often seem to project onto one another. My friends' husbands are my friends first, and then my boyfriends or lovers. There's no pressure for more, for kids, for living together, for getting married. Because I want none of those things.

That's why dating my friends' husbands is working really well for me: It fulfills my need for intimacy and companionship, but it doesn't burden me with the expectations that usually surround monogamous couples. I can live by myself (which I prefer), I can follow my professional and personal dreams and get unconditional, friendly support and encouragement; I can control my own life the way I was never able to when I was in a monogamous couple.

I love the freedom that dating my friends' husbands gives me. I have my life, they have theirs, and we meet somewhere in the middle to enrich each other's lives in a way that works for both of us.

Your friends' husbands are the best dates around...if you do it right

Polyamory isn't always easy. You have to deal with a culture that doesn't always support your non-normative choice of romantic relationships. You have, of course, plenty of possibilities for tensions and jealousy to arise. My own polyamorous life hasn't been free from a little strife and trouble.

But in the end, if your intentions are good and if you try your best to communicate clearly and accommodate everyone's feelings, you'll discover that polyamory (and dating your polyamorous friends' husbands) might be the single best move for your love life.

It certainly has been for me!