My Boston Boyfriend, And Other Novelty Types I Intend to Check Off My Sex List

Even if we don't admit it, mama's got a secret checklist. Like, maybe one day you wanna make out with a guy who looks like a hobo, or do-si-do with Grizzly Adams, or join the slutty best friends club with a redhead.
Publish date:
March 29, 2012
Dating, novelty boyfriends

One day, I want to date a Joe Schmo with a Boston accent. He'll be a construction worker, or fisherman, or Mark Wahlberg with permanently grimy man paws from fixing his cah. This is an important goal and I intend to take it very seriously. Here's how a typical evening would go down: filthy Boston comes home from work and I'm there, because all I do is watch Larry Bird highlights and tease my hair. He removes a Sox cap and says, "Baby. Yah wicked haht. Let's drink Budweisah and watch The Bachelah." Our favorite activities involve me forcing him to tell stories, and me watching him fix things. I give it 2-3 months.

This is a preeeettty specific request (or not, if you happen to live in Boston), but I remain steadfast. A Boston blue collar bloke isn't exactly what I'd call my "type," but this is the fun of being saaaaangle: so much excitement and intrigue comes from sampling different varieties in Brogurtland. The more specific and specialized, the better. Let's call these Novelty Types -- consider them an escape from your normal dating preference.

In relationships, patterns tend to emerge -- assholes, slackers, Russian spies -- and if the pattern remains consistent, you may have a type. If this is the case, you probably know you have a type. Sometimes it's not the type that you actually want to be your type. For instance, my dating history is marked by pasty goofballs, while my dreams are marked by tall/dark/handsomes. And most of us have friends who continue to date shitslices even though they know they don't want to date shitslices anymore. Of course, there also exists the happily one-track minded of the world, who know their type and are stickin' to it. If you, like Snooki, strongly prefer juiceheads and will only ever date juiceheads, perhaps there is a whole new world of beverage that may be worth sipping? Like milkbrains, or sodanecks.

It should be noted that we also tend to attract a certain type regardless of what we're chasing. During my short-lived online dating experiment, I attracted gentlemen of the Elmer Fudd variety as well as grammar-fearing dingleberries. (Although to be fair, the online world is riddled with grammar-fearing dingleberries who chase all species bearing orifices.) Still, this led me to conclude that I shall forever be trapped in a circle of dismay, wherein the Fudds are chasing me, I'm chasing babes, and the babes are chasing Fudds to ask them to do their taxes.

When the glory days of singlehood are upon you, Novelty Types allow us to move beyond our history and open more doors (pants) of opportunity. We'z awlllll got some booty that we want to claim, garlfren. Even if we don't admit it, mama's got a secret checklist. Come on. Like, maybe one day you wanna make out with a guy who looks like a hobo, or do-si-do with Grizzly Adams, or join the slutty best friends club with a redhead. Your daydreams = your playing field.

My number one To Do is the aforementioned Boston lad (New York accent may prove to be a suitable replacement). From whence did this desire arise? I can't point my finger on it, but sadly, it may have been borne of my appreciation for Survivor's Boston Rob. Yep. Listen, novelty types aren't always the most elegant items on display, but if they put wind in your sails, fly free, young chickadee!

Also extremely important to accomplish on my checklist is what I lovingly call, "Thug in the streets, Don in the sheets." He must possess swagger on a hundred thousand trillion, perhaps a relatively harmless criminal record and 12-100 tattoos. My name shall be "shawty," or on occasion, "girl." I would borrow his sports team fitted and never give it back.

Let's not forget the item that is currently coveted by many: tall, beardy fella. He probably hangs out in canyons, owns a film camera and enjoys artisan cheeses. Once accomplished, I would take up whisker nuzzling full time. And since most North American cities are currently teeming with lumberjacks, this could prove to be a successful summer conquest.

Like I said -- these examples are pretty specific, but your dating checklist could be as simple as: 1. An Australian. 2. A chef. 3. A skinny nerdling. And herein lies the fun of visiting your dating types -- everybody's got a different lineup. Even if you're off the market and calling it a "checklist" feels gross, surely you fancy a certain type, or maybe you swoon for a celebrity? So please, share! What "types" are on your checklist?

And PS: just cause they seem like a novelty at the time, chemistry is an unpredictable force. Who knows -- maybe you'll click with that fire breather, and have little fire breathing babies. Some of the best love stories don't make sense.