Here's What Really Goes Down at a Bachelor Party, From a Former Party Bus Hostess

The bachelor isn't out to cheat, but often times his married friends are.

Dec 5, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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When I was 20-22, I worked for a party bus company that would take people on pub crawls all over the city. Aside from the huge holiday pub crawls like Halloween or New Year’s Eve or for THE GREATEST OUTDOOR SHOW ON EARTH the Calgary Stampede (sorry but when you live here you have to say it like that), you could also rent a bus for something like a birthday party or bachelorette, in which you’d usually get carted around the cities "hottest" nightclubs. Or whatever you place you deemed worthy of your party.

My favorite ones were always the bachelor parties. Why? Because as the only female on the bus the boys would buy all my drinks for me, give me huge tips and there was very little drama. I don’t know why, but every single time I worked an event with ladies present, somebody always wound up crying.

With bachelor parties, they just wanted to let loose and get drunk and rowdy. Sure, there was usually a stripper or two and some drugs floating around, but everyone was primarily there to celebrate the guest of honor's last night of "freedom" before he got married. 

My job was to make sure nobody died, got into bar fights or jumped out of the bus as it was moving from bar to bar. Oh, and I could drink on the job as long as I wasn't the drunkest person on the bus.

Pretty much the dream job of any college student amirite?!?

I can honestly say that by the end of my time as a party host, I had seen it all. Including a chick do the "Zoolander" in skinny jeans. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. I have probably been to more bachelor parties then the average dude because of this job, and, as the only female, I got an inside look at exactly what goes on when the boys go out to play.

1. Ninety-five percent of the time the guy getting married is a really great guy who’s totally in love with his soon-to-be wife and is just out to get obnoxiously wasted.

I totally get why some women feel a little twinge of nervousness when their soon-to-be hubby is out to celebrate with all his buds, but trust me, you have nothing to worry about. On almost every party I ever hosted, the groom would sit beside me and drunkenly ramble on about how much he loved his future wife.

In my two years of event hosting, there was only one groom who set out to actively cheat on his fiancé. This guy (and his pals) actually tried to pay multiple strippers to give him a blowjob before shoveling ridiculous amounts of coke up their noses and getting kicked out of the bar for doing lines on the dance floor. Nothing but class.

2.The bachelor isn't out to cheat, but often times his married friends are.

Not all of the married guys did this. A lot of them were really well behaved guys who just wanted to get blackout drunk. However, there were always those one or two obvious douchebags. 

We all know these guys: They are that asshole you never liked that your friend married anyway. THOSE are the married guys who are cheating at stag parties and pretty much any opportunity presented to them. For example, one guy told me he had to sleep with me since I was 21 and "would be so much tighter" than his 30-year-old wife.

3. Strippers are really nice sweet ladies who don't want to sleep with your fiance.

In Alberta, you aren’t allowed to touch strippers. You can’t get closer than about 2 feet without bouncer kicking you out of the club. However, party buses are a different story. This led to some serious lap dancing, but not much else. The girl’s didn’t want to be groped and the guys, for the most part, respected that.  

The time some guys on the bus tried to pay their stripper an extra $500 to give the groom a blowjob (he had already whipped it out), she immediately stood up and put her clothes back on. She was there to put on a show, not to see the groom's dick. I think we might have even fist-bumped before she got off the bus. 

4. Shit can get out of hand REALLY quickly.

I was once offered a thousand dollars to get naked and dance on the poles on the bus. They even counted out the money for me. I didn’t because everyone has camera phones these days and the thought of getting naked in front of a bus full of drunken dudes didn’t really appeal to me. I have been accidently caught in the middle of huge bar fights and I have had to be physically restrained from knocking a guy out who assaulted me.

The thing that takes the cake was one night, as I went around with the tip jar at the end of the crawl, one guy said he’d pay $300 for me to have sex with the groom (same guy who whipped his dick out for the stripper) so I told him to put the money in the jar. The groom then sat down and whipped it out again while I just laughed and walked away because there was no way in hell I was doing that. This guy who had tried to pay me to have sex with his buddy then attacked me for taking his money. Thankfully, the rest of the guys came to my defense before he could hurt me.

Overall, working these parties was a great time. I have a million great memories and met some of my best friends through party bus event hosting. At the majority of bachelor parties I worked, the boys where respectful and treated me like one of their crew. However, in the end the truly negative experiences won out and I stepped away from that job and lifestyle.

But whenever one of my girlfriends confides that she’s a little bit nervous about her fiance's bachelor party, I always laugh and tell her not to worry. "He’s probably going to sit there and ramble on to the event host about how much he loves you," I say. The good ones always do.