What do Simon Cowell, Cliff Richard and Robin Gibb (RIP), have in common?

They all have (had) the smooth, plastic anatomy of a Ken Doll, obviously...
Publish date:
June 6, 2012
entertainment, fun, sexy men, grayson perry, not so sexy men

Cliff Richard: Not hot

Robin Gibb was a sex addict? Sorry, I just spat my tea onto my screen at that news. The news that Bee Gee Robin Gibb (RIP) was an insatiable sex addict, who bedded ‘hundreds of women’ and ‘fathered a love child’ with his housekeeper just a few years ago, has made me a little bit sick in my mouth. Robert Gibb may have been a master songwriter, a musical genius and a Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, but he was NOT a lover of many women. How do I know? Because I tried to bed him, dear reader.

Only joking, although that would be an It Happened To Me and a half.Really, it’s because it’s pretty clear to me that he had absolutely nothing going on in the crotch area. Like Simon Cowell, music mogul and owner of the world’s most prolific man breasts, he has plastic pants. I’m not saying they’re actual eunuchs (although how do we know FOR SURE that they’re not?), but for all the sexual energy these men give off, they may as well be Ken dolls.

Cowell’s been plagued with gay rumours since Oscar Wilde was a boy, but maybe that’s just because, despite the frankly unlikely harem of overly attractive women he carts with him at all times, he has no sexual energy at all. Plus, PLUS, his claims to have slept with Dannii Minogue were explained with the sort of reasoning you’d find in a particularly unenlightened 15-year-old boy: ‘It was Dannii's hair, the sexy clothes and the tits. I was like a schoolboy. She was foxy. She was a real man's girl. Very feminine.'

How can a man of his age (53), and experience, still view sex and sexuality in such a juvenile way? Because he’s faking it. He’s talking about sex and sexy women in the way he thinks men ought to, but he doesn’t really know. Why? Because he’s got blue plastic pants. He’s about sexy as some really unsexy plankton, that’s having a fat day.

As I watched the diamond jubilee concert (on the telly, I’m far too lazy to actually schlep into town and do something patriotic), it also occurred to me that Cliff Richard is a card carrying member of the PPB. What am I talking about? He’s probably the president, and had little tie pins made for the rest of the gang a couple of summers ago when they were all went for a golfing weekend together in Tenerife.

Watching Cliff Richard, odd little man child that he is, waving his crotch around in a sparkly tie while surrounded by scantily clad women also made me a little bit sick in my mouth. Not because he’s so freaking old - Mick Jagger doing the same thing would have been pretty darn sexy and he looks like he’s been stuck in a wind tunnel for the past 20 years. It’s because Cliff Richard has no sexual energy whatsoever. And you know that when he’s prancing around with a bevy of young, lithe, gold-hotpanted dancers he’s totally faking it. There’s not even a tiny part of his brain that thinks ‘phwoar, she really reminds me of Sue Barker back in the day,’ because sex just isn’t on his radar. Instead, he’s doing his best impression of what he thinks a red-blooded man should be doing and so prances around the stage thrusing his hips at the Duchess of Cornwall. Despite the fact that, testosterone or not, it’s perfectly acceptable (nay, advisable), to keep your crotch stationary once you’re over 70.

And maybe that’s what makes me so uncomfortable about the PPB, you just know that they’re faking it - and there’s nothing nice about watching someone going through the motions just because they think they should. I just want to point out at this stage that I’m not just listing blokes I don’t fancy, nor have I just reeled off a list of men who are possibly gay and stuck in the closet. There are many men I don’t find even remotely attractive that definitely have some level of sexual charisma, gay or straight. Even if you’re not feeling it yourself, you still know there’s something there - you can just about imagine them being desirable to someone. For example:

Grayson Perry: Hot mess

Grayson Perry (actually suggested to us by the lovely ladies at Tatty Devine. But have you seen him when he’s not dolled up as Claire? Hot mess.)

Jonathan Ross - I actually have a friend who has a proper, genuine, real-life crush on Wossy. I can’t see it myself, but he still has that air of someone who’d be a bit filthy...

...talking of which, Alistair Campbell definitely has something going on doesn’t he? He may have the craggy face of someone who spent 15 years as Tony Blair’s press secretary and looked like he was 10 seconds away from having a stroke the entire time, but he’s still sexy.

Richard Madley - Despite (or because of?) the fact that he seems to have made a full-time career out of embarassing his wife on live TV with a series of faux pas that Prince Philip would have been proud of, the man just has something about him. You know he probably spent the This Morning Christmas parties standing too close to the young female runner and spilling warm cava down her top, but he sort of gets away with it. I have no idea why, but he just does.