As I got older, I started to realize that my sexual drive was more limited than the people around me.
I got my hands (mostly the right one) on three devices used for private sexy times and thought I’d give them a try. Let me tell you what it's like to take 50 year old electrical equipment, plug its questionable wiring into the wall and put it on your cooch in hopes of finding your happy place.
The Wahl Supermassage
The Supermassage, made by prolific Canadian masturbation-aid-makers Wahl, straps to your hand with two metal coils and a rubbery pad. You plug it in and flip a switch.
You have to be prepared for a lot of sound and motion. When you flip the switch, it clicks loudly and jumps in to a steady hum that will cover up the sound of your climax for your neighbours. If you manage to get one of these puppies or a model like it off Ebay, be prepared for the way it kinda makes your hand leap off your arm.
Here’s what makes it amazing—your fingers become the vibrator. I know you can do this with toys like the Fukuoku, but with the Supermassage there's nothing covering your fingertips. It’s skin on skin. It's not as hardcore as the Hitachi Magic Wand, but you can focus the sensation and if you relax you can get your digits vibing pretty hard. You’ll go numb from your nail beds to half-way up your forearm, so another plus (if you like this kind of thing) is that it doesn’t even feel like your hand anymore. It’s like somebody else’s vibrating hand is feeling you up.
I loved that I could do my usual thing, while somewhat constrained by the heavy contraption strapped to my hand, and get the benefit of what I like on my own body PLUS having steady vibration. If no one knows how to get you off better than you do, imagine fucking your doppelganger with a robot arm that hums with sweet orgasmic power.
I also figured out that I can take my hand out of the machine and press it across my panties (watch out for getting your pubes caught in the metal coil straps!) to get a really deep vibration right through my pelvis. While I was using it, I basically imagined that a sex robot, trained for my personal pleasure, was vibing the crap out of me in outer space.
The Wahl Hand-E Massage Vibrator
I don’t know why I ended up with two Wahl vibrators, but they seem to know their stuff. Google told me that this model was made around 1957, is coil operated, and they apparently used this design for fifty years—tried and true. There’s also an amusing story out there about a priest sitting on the board for Wahl who insisted that an anti-masturbation brochure be included with every Hand-E package. Sadly, I do not have this brochure.
Like the Supermassage, this one is also pretty loud and I found the metal tip completely terrifying. But then metal dicks are terrifying too and... well, I'd try that! I was afraid of getting my labial skin caught in it for some reason, which I think would be pretty hard to do, but hey, when your pants are down and you're putting something that looks like a power tool near your buppy, are you to blame for what goes through your head?
The power tool comparison is pretty accurate. The Hand-E will drill a hole in your clitoris. There are four different attachments, which Wahl later expanded for its 7-in-1 model. Each one basically spreads out the vibration in different ways.
You can get the same kind of thing with Hitachi attachments (or Hitachments, as I've heard them called). There's a suction cup that is pretty neat, plus a fucked up spider thing, but the little black attachment was my favourite. It took all of the power and focused it on my clit. It's like shooting yourself in the vagina with a ray-gun. The intensity is on par with the Hitachi Magic Wand, but this had a unique rhythm to it that I really liked. It wasn't as fast, but more throbbing.
It's advertised, like all of these antique vibes, to rub the tension out of your back and face, but using this on any part of your body other than your genitals would be a waste of fine orgasmic energy.
Now for the grand finale: the Relax-A-Cizor. Peggy Olson used it on Mad Men, so I was really excited to try it out. It came in a slick black case that let me pretend it was the tool of a super villain intent on zapping my body into climax.
The device is fascinating on its own. It has dials and a switch and, when operating, a flashing indicator light that warns your vagina that the apocalypse is coming.
And whoever owned it before stored some of the pads in Quality Controlled Fresh Poultry bags from a market in Toronto.
Here’s how it works: pull out the brightly coloured cords (which reminded me of robot guts) and plug the device into the wall. Then take the pads, wet them, and put them against your skin using the straps to secure them in place. (There are some belts you can use that have the pads built in, but you’ll be lucky if you can find a way to arrange them so they’ll make contact with your pussy.) Once everything is set up, push the metal tips into the receptors on the pads. Then, flip the switch and slowly turn the dial so that the pulsing electricity begins—it's alive!
I did this on my thigh first; to make sure I didn’t burn myself or cause paralysis on my vag—apparently more vital to my everyday life than my legs. After a test, I decided to put it on my crotch. My panties held the pads in place, one on my ass and one between my legs. You need two pads or the current won't work.
Total disappointment. Maybe all the hoopla made me expect something really remarkable, like sparks and lighting bolts, and I was excited about trying electrical current since electro-play looks so cool. Those light wands are amazing! But I’m not really sure I like the electrical stimulation? Maybe it’s just this machine and the type of current it produces, and I’m sure the fetish community has contributed some pretty good advancement in this technology over the last fifty years, but I wasn’t really wet for being zapped.
First of all, I think my bush got in the way, even though I'm pretty trim. I had to really separate my labia and straddle the thing to make any contact. Once there, most of the electricity seemed to react with the nerves around my vaginal opening and not my clitoris. I’m probably just a newbie with this type of toy? Whatever. It made the icing on my cupcake droop.
The other thing is that electrical vibration kind of feels like a million little electrical penises stabbing you at once. It’s sharp, so if you like pain you might enjoy it, but I like getting my pussy spanked and it still didn't do the trick for me. This toy would definitely get overlooked for my Hitachi any day. The only time I think this toy would come in handy is if you were trying to show off for a kinkster, but I have to say, I’m wondering what it would feel like on a dick.
I’ll leave you to guess which one I pulled out to end the torture and take me to cloud nine.