I’m Tired of Straight Male Doms Invading the Kink Community

Doms are looking at a society that is already anti-women and wants to keep them subservient.
Publish date:
July 7, 2016
bdsm, kink, Safe Spaces, Inclusion

I have always been an active proponent for kink. I love the idea of open-minded individuals coming together (and cumming together) in a nurturing environment. Subs, slaves, foot worshipers, furries: I appreciate them all and would enjoy being invited to a dinner party where we discuss the most effective vibrators to sneak through the airport. Hell, throw some puppy play and adult babies into the mix. I have no problem walking into a room with a caged man in the corner and a variety of whipping tools to make use of. I also love the idea of hardcore sex in some sort of bare-bones warehouse. I came of age during the hyper-conservative Bush years and something in me will always resonate with the gonzo porn my boyfriends were watching at the time.

However, there is one breed of individual that is ruining my good time, a group that has shaped the conversation members of the kink community can actually have and limited our freedom of expression. That group is, of course, the middle-aged, straight, white men. Not merely content to be in charge of everything we consider traditionally sexy, they caught whiff of the fact that some of us are into things that are not considered traditionally sexy. They are trying to make these things more appealing to them, by making them more traditionally sexy. Now I am not here to argue that men can't be Doms (although, realistically, they probably can't). I'm not here to say that women shouldn't be attracted to older men. They can be and are. But Dommes (the female version) are rebelling against social roles that keep women subservient, while Doms (the male version) are looking at a society that is already anti-women and wants to keep them subservient. Dommes, and the subs that serve them, are counter-culture. Doms would feel right at home with Don Draper.

I don't want to alienate all the straight, white males who may be reading this. I know you're everywhere. I understand you make up a sizable portion of the media-influencing public. So here is the thing, if you are a straight white male who has mostly vanilla interests, that's cool. That's even hot in its own way. Keep at it. Don't pretend we are in the same sexual community and for the love of god stop hitting on me while I serve you hot wings and queso, but otherwise you're cool.

If you are a straight white male who gets off on being submissive or wearing diapers or forced feminization, that's cool, even rare and misunderstood. You deserve a safe space and are welcome in my kink community. If you are a straight white male who just likes to dress in drag, you are (probably) not the problem. And finally, if you are a straight white male with some highly specific fetish that is crucial to your sexual health and requires patience and understanding in a partner, like maybe you cannot get off with a partner, but can always reliably get off while rubbing against a piece of latex, I get you. You probably do need a partner who is open-minded and knowledgeable about how to safely integrate your needs into a satisfying relationship for both of you.

I don't want to cut off all support to everyone just because they have a lack of melanin and an abundance of influence on society.

However, it has come to my attention that over ¾ of Fetlife users are male, and most of them identify as some sort of dominant role. And those people can take their decrepit Chlamydia-depositors (my word for Christian Grey's penis) and go home. For you poor misunderstood souls are wrong. You are not misunderstood you are just conservative.

But how will you know if you are welcome in my fantasy kink community? I'm glad you asked. Here is a helpful quiz. For every yes, give yourself a point. If you get two yeses, you are a heteronormative bore and aren't fit to interact with the crazy, awesome, naked people that rightfully deserve to occupy this scene.

Are you a conservative man masquerading as a Dom?

  1. Are you voting for Trump? This has nothing to do with your sexual proclivities, but it does suggest you shouldn't be interacting with people
  2. Are you exclusively interested in women half your age who are traditionally attractive?
  3. Do you really enjoy turning the object of your affection into a daughter? I don't just mean in the sense of her calling you Daddy and telling her how much you love your little girl. Like, in your fantasy does her father/mother/teacher give her to you because she is young and eager to please? Do you fancy yourself some sort of sexual mentor?
  4. Do you refer to yourself as a "sensual player"? UGH, GO AWAY. Sensual players can be distinguished from rougher, more protocol focused players by their total lack of interest in mental or physical domination, which is a fascinating psychological experience that I fully recommend. Pushing your own limits is hot and often leads to endorphin rushes. Sensual players, however, are not really into anything that out of the ordinary unless you count anal and age play, which I don't because it's been in porn forever. They are the most guilty of being interested in creepy Daddy arrangements and can be found at commercial dungeons deluding themselves about what they really want. The answer is, a brothel. They really want to be at a brothel. (no offense to women who really enjoy the Daddy/daughter arrangement. I can fully respect your autonomy while judging your play partner. Society does this all the time, which is how men can go to strip clubs, but being a dancer is still frowned upon).
  5. Do you refer to yourself as a switch? See number four.
  6. Do you feel that 50 Shades of Grey is a valid model of consent?
  7. Do you pay for a FetLife account? Well, according to this nearly ¾ of the user base is male, ¼ of them identify as Dom (number gets higher if you include Daddy, Switch, Master, and Sadist which all code for "I will be the one tying you up) and 13% of the paying users have had consent violations reported against them. So, ya know, maybe use the money you would be spending on a FetLife account talking to bored fetish models on a cooking class or learning econ at a community college. I don't know. Better yourself somehow.

You see, numbers two, three, four, and five are really just vanilla sex. And worse, they are vanilla sex that most women aren't into, but many porn videos are about. They are literally the opposite of counter-culture. The tendency of straight, privileged, conservative white dudes to take over everything is making it much harder for me to find people interested in whatever random fetish I am into this week. Their pervasiveness is invading every attempt I have made to find a community.

So with that, straight white males, please fuck off out of my sexual radar.