The Bedroom Apocalypse: Sex Robots Might Eventually Replace Sex Workers

Nothing screams “Yes! Yes! Yes!” quite like the cold, bloodless flesh of a robot.
Publish date:
May 2, 2014
The Style Con, m-rated, M

The future is now, sluts!

Nothing screams “Yes! Yes! Yes!” quite like the cold, bloodless flesh of a robot. I mean, really. I have to change my panties five times a day just to keep up with the absolute downpour going on at the prospect of banging a machine. Oh, wait. These sex robots are probably just for dudes, because chicks get all emo about their sex business and there is zero chance a robot would fall in love with her, as opposed to a real, live human, where the percentage goes up to, like, I dunno, 2.3% or something.

So sex robots are probably more for the cis dudes. Ladies, read on if you must.

What are sex robots, you ask? The sign of end times, which should have happened already according to the Mayan calendar and this weird guy on my street with a propaganda van, but whatever. Okay, so sex robots maybe don’t signify Armageddon but, according to a recent theory, might mean the potential end of many a fruitful human sex worker career. This is sort of what happened with parking lot attendants when some jerk came in sometime in the ‘90s and said, “Hey, I know what would be better than this human with their hands and their fingers and all that body costing us $6.50 an hour! A MACHINE THAT EATS TICKETS WITH ITS LITTLE MOUTH.” Only a sex robot would be—you guessed it!—eating a penis. Or maybe it’s just below the belt stuff. Again, I don’t know. This is me, just hashing things out in my head and on the Internet (sorry, mom).

John Danaher, a Keele University law school lecturer proposed the other day that sex robots (which exist already, by the way, but have not caught on, unlike Roombas, which themselves are delightfully purposeful) are going to throw a wrench in the well lubricated machine that is sex work (see what I did there?).

If you like a handjob that looks like administering CPR to a dead person, this will be right up your alley.

In it, he theorizes a couple of things, one of which is going to make the prossies sweat a bit at the potential longevity of their job security, which is a bummer, because I imagine sex work as being a real fun gig that I would miss if ripped away from me. I mean, I can hardly imagine a better life, taking it from some sweaty hog with a small penis and a power trip. Wait, am I talking about dating in New York at 37? Sorry, just blacked out.

So there’s the Displacement Hypothesis, which means girls with real live vaginas are going to be SOL—traded in for some premium steel and a more agreeable chassis. Forget the uptight human prostitutes of yore who put prices on putting “that” in “there;” sex robots are more agreeable than that doormat you should have married seven years ago who baked real nice pies and had a car with leather seats. In the words of one Billie Holiday: All of me, why not take all of me? Because who really wants to have sex with someone while a haze of worry about objectification, possible STD transmission, and all over human-y byproducts hangs over you? Oh, wait. I’m guess this is probably part of its appeal.

Roxxxy is on sale. And she also comes in “Skank Mode”

But wait! There’s more!

On the other hand, there’s the Resiliency Hypothesis, which says that, like that little bit of stubborn mold in the corner of your shower that you scrub and scrub to no avail, prostitutes are here to stay. This owes to human preference (“No, I’ll take the thing with a heart, thank you. Yes, make sure it’s broken.”) as well as something called “increased supply thesis”—which might be my favorite part of this whole bit. Increased Supply Thesis suggests that there will actually be an increase in human prostitution alongside the general increasing use of robots in all fields (including ones you can’t fu** in the ***). Humans—from the grocery checkout clerk to the captain of your local ferry—will be forced to look for other gainful employment, landing squarely on prostitution as a viable option.

I wouldn’t take any of this too seriously. Global warming is going to wipe us out before this ends up really going down.

**Please be aware I do not think that sex work is something to laugh at, and if this comes across as blasé, well, I’m not. I’m commenting on the hypothesis, not sex work in general.

Reprinted with permission from The StyleCon. Want More?

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