The 5 Completely Unavailable Guys I've Met Online

Bro, why are you here?
Publish date:
July 11, 2013
online dating, the undateables, dick pics, M

I don't have ick-factor feelings about online dating. I have no problem with it. I like meeting new people, dating, and modern conveniences. Online dating combines all three. I'm online because I'm hoping to (at the very least), go on a fun date, and (at the most), find someone to begin a relationship with.

I am in no position to tell people how to online date. Do as you like, for your own reasons. I'll mind my business. But today I speak to a topic that's been on my mind for a while, because it keeps confronting me.

My profile is honest. I do not lie, mislead, or suggest that I want anything other than to actually date people. I expect the same from those who contact me. And yet, as if an organized mob, completely unavailable men swarm my inbox, batting their virtual eyelashes in my general direction. Put those things away.

Here they are, in no particular order, in the hopes that I might save a lady comrade of mine from making the mistakes of my dating past.

1) Adventureman: Adventureman and I are old friends. In the last year, he's lived in four countries, eight cities, and he "can't wait for what comes next." All photos are of him hugging children. Or rock climbing. Of course rock climbing. He'll regale me over craft beers with tales of that time he talked a cab driver in [insert country here] into taking him and three strangers to an all-night discotheque in very, very broken [insert language here]. His bags are permanently packed. His address is someone's couch. I set his ringtone to "Leavin' On A Jetplane" and move on.

2) The Cowardly Liar: To begin, I have absolutely no issue with guys posting dick pics (or almost dick pics) on online dating sites. At least they're honest! I 100% know what these half-naked, faked tanned, leather handcuffed men are looking for. I am looking for something else, thus I move on to the next profile. What I DO take issue with are the guys who are looking for the exact same thing as Dick Pic, but are too cowardly to just ask for it. Instead they use phrases like, "I'm looking for something meaningful." "A lot of friends have had success on this site, so I thought I'd give it a try." Interested in long term dating, wants kids, is "really tired of the bar scene." He'll full-court press me into into seeing kittens and rainbows dance overhead, whispering every long-hoped for line and confession, but one no-pants dance later and it's as if we never met. Don't look at your phone, Shani. He didn't text.

3) The Free Spirit: Again, not going to get too mad here, because an honest man is better than a lying one. However, honest doesn't mean available. I always get so frustrated with the Free Spirit. After the front half of a fantastic profile, he drops the bomb: I am completely in love with my wife (YES WIFE), but we're both very open to new sexual experiences. I am smart, funny, witty, and kind, but I have absolutely no use for you beyond a casual romp. My wife would like to watch, by the way, hope that's cool. [Slaps forehead, shuts laptop]

4) The Treadmill: He works hard, plays hard. Loves to get the most out of what the city has to offer. Can't stand to stay in on a Friday night. Looking for a girl who can keep him on his toes. A little bit of crazy is A-ok. I'm exhausted just reading about this guy. If I don't end the night dancing on a table while juggling fire, he's bored with me. In my experience, he doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a personal trainer. I prefer to exercise alone.

5) The Ring & Run: Disclaimer: His profile will start with a disclaimer. I'm moving to Toronto in three weeks to pursue an exciting new opportunity. Just want to state that up front as proof that I'm a good guy. But I'd like to have casual sex until I go so I'm going to leave this profile up, OK? Three weeks is just enough time for him to pique my interest so that I like him enough to help him pack. I wrap five dishes in newspaper and then leave.

It's not always blatant. Sometimes I have to invest a little time to discover one of the fab five lurking behind the screen of their MacBook Air. It's disappointing and I often feel the sharp sting of being misled. But I am still in the game, looking for someone who came to play.