Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
Ya'll, in case you haven't gleaned from my various social media accounts or mentions here on xoJane, let me announce it officially: I am stupid in love.
I've been trying to play it down a little for the sake of like, a narrative arc or something? Cause I'm this weird blog character as well as a person and even though I've actually been single for a long time you guys have only officially known I'm single since January, so I was scared I looked like one of those girls who has to immediately jump into a new relationship even though I really didn't you guys!!!!
But whatever, this relationship is an unstoppable cannon ball of crazy love and I can't keep it inside. This dude MADE ME this denim vest, you guys:
He sewed those patches on while I watched and thought about how it was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. Then, a few days later he let me watch my stupid singing reality shows while he ironed this unicorn patch from Pygmy Hippo Shoppe onto the back on my H&M white denim jacket. It's like I won the man lottery.
When I first met him, I kept telling Lesley he was almost too perfect for me -- like I had somehow Weird Scienced him into existence. The first month or two of our dating, we were living this insane unsustainable lifestyle where we actually stayed up entire nights just staring at each other in bed and talking about how much we loved each other. We were literally too in love to sleep.
We couldn't make it from Point A to Point B without stopping to make out on multiple street corners. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. The time we had to be apart was agonizing. It was like a sickness; we joked around that we had lovekemia.
But in truest heart words, the best way I can describe it is this: I felt as if all my life I've been a space alien, and for the very first time I met someone from my home planet, who speaks my native language. And that person is Deer Hoof.
I'm sorry if that was too annoying or Gross-Out Fridays to read, but I had to really let you know how very awesome being in love is because now I'm about to tell you all the stuff it RUINS.
LIKE MY LIPSTICK. I'm kind of known for my red lipstick. It's sort of my thing. I feel most beautiful wearing my signature shade of MAC Lady Danger.
But now that I'm IN LOVE, there's nigh-constantly another person's mouth on mine. If I wear lipstick to meet Deer Hoof, I inevitably end up wiping it off with a napkin approximately 3 seconds later so we can get our make-out on. I'm just walking around all bare-lipped all the time! It's a nightmare! Except for the kissing. That part is good.
Also on the appearance-based tip, several xoEds mentioned new relationships ruining their skin. Sayeth one beauty writer: "IDK if it's something about smushing my face up against a sweaty dude chest, or beard stubble friction against my sensitive lady mug, or just the stress of 'Does he like-like me? Is he just using me for sex? Or my Spotify Premium account?' but I always spend the first few weeks of dating someone in a distressed cheek and jawline acne stupor which is super hot and sexy and I'm totally glad to be sharing this with all of you."
Another xo beauty ed agrees about skin getting worse, but only at first, because on the first few dates she always passes out after a few drinks and and never washes her face.
And yet a third adds, "Aw, shit! I forgot about sleeping in makeup! I may have had many-a-styes (SHRIEK) in the past few months 'cause of sleeping in makeup with dude(s). I WOKE UP LIKE THIS I MEAN."
SLEEP AND SELF-CARE
I already told you about the staying-up-all-night-staring-at-each-other-and-doing-it thing (and believe me I'm deeply sorry for grossing you out like that). We're mooooostly past that phase now, but for awhile being in love was really fucking up my sleep schedule. As another xoeditor says, "The sleep schedule is the biggest one for me. Recently I was sort of sleeping with a dude who legit NEVER slept, and I tried to get on that same schedule and I was so miserable."
Then there are all the other things that fall by the wayside, like going to the gym, going to recovery meetings (in my case), meditation, time with other friends, etc. I basically dropped all my good habits in favor of just hanging out with my boyfriend during all my free time. (This situation is exacerbated when you are also a parent, as I have less free time than some non-parent people.)
I am now slowly working some of these things back in so I don't legit go crazy, but I'm basically making a charitable donation to the my gym each month at this point.
When you're so in love you can't stand to be apart for any reason except completely obligatory ones like your job, when the hell do you do the laundry? Or clean your bathroom? It was initially worse for Deer Hoof cause he was always at my place so his stuff was just piling up all neglected back home. But domestic things on both ends honestly sort of fell into shambles. We finally had to start forcing ourselves to take nights off to handle our household responsibilities. It was the worst.
As for work: "What's that, Jane Pratt? I was too busy doodling Mrs. Deer Hoof on all my notebooks and buying new cute underwear online to hear you."
Before I met DH, I had recently lost 10 pounds. I had started cooking dinner for myself at home most nights. Then I started going on tons of dates. Not only is my self-control when it comes to exciting food limited, but who wants to seem like the neurotic diet-y girl who orders a salad at dinner? No, all of a sudden I was like a Hollywood actress giving an interview, all "I just eat french fries like this all the time and magically maintain my weight. GOOD GENES I GUESS."
Then I got all boyfriend fat, which is cool, because it's a happy fat. And tell me watching "Game of Thrones" on the couch while sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't sheer relationship porn.
This one can go either way apparently. The same xoEditor who gets jawline acne told me, "Every time I get into a relationship, I end up eating way better. I lost, like, 15 pounds when I started dating my last serious boyfriend because he ate way healthier than me. Now I'm really only interested in dating dudes who can cook and who eat well and so I always end up eating lots of good, home-cooked meals but when I'm single and alone all the time (aka right now lol) I'm super lazy and never feel like cooking so I just eat, like, PB&J's for lunch and shredded cheese right out the bag for dinner every day." So I guess if you're sort of a feral eater, having a witness can improve your habits.
Another xoEd is with me, though: "I always gain weight when I'm in LOVE 'cause we wine and dine so much, as I am a spoiled princess lover."
This one comes straight from Tynan, but I relate.
"I always associate music with different times in my life, and by extension, people. And I HATE it, because then, I'll always think of that person when a certain song or album plays. Especially if a guy introduces me to a song or a band that I like. I've stolen some of my favorite music from dudes I've been with in the past, but then every time I hear it, I think of them, and I'd prefer not to think of anyone but myself at all times.
And don't even get me started on if someone ever tries to make anything "our song." Who does that? What year is it? No quicker way to ruin great song than to have some loser try to lay claim to it."
I guess this is technically a thing that is ruined by the END of love, not love itself, but I'll let it stand.
One of the best things about living alone, and I know this is sad but TV has been my boyfriend for many years and I can't betray him now, was being able to watch whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. No more of my stupid girly shows piling up on the DVR because I never had a moment alone to indulge, no more having to wait to watch the latest episode of "Mad Men," and the sweet freedom to buy movies like "If I Stay" or, I don't know, something about a girl who falls down a lot but then finds love.
Lesley says,"Single people can binge-watch whatever they want, whenever they want! My husband and I have to wait until our schedules match up, which means new episodes sometimes pile up over weeks. And occasionally even if he catches me rewatching something we've both seen before (like old episodes of Deadwood or Rome or whatever) he's all "Oh I want to rewatch this too, wait for me!" Or vice versa."
So yeah, now I have to wait a day for my boyfriend to watch some of my weekly shows that have become "our" weekly shows. That said, he has quite gamely started watching "The Voice" and "American Idol" with me sometimes when he's over so I don't end up with like 11 episodes piled up on the DVR. This, to me, is majorly romantic.
BEING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE
This is pretty much resolved, 5 months in. But for awhile it was legitimately hard to be around other humans. It was like popping the love bubble and squinting out into the sun all mole-eyed. And we honestly needed to be touching each other and staring at each for like 90 percent of the time we were together, which you cannot do around other people because they will think you are disgusting.
We really had to psych ourselves up for social events! Like "OK, we can do this. We can be normal for two hours at this party." But we couldn't really! We were perpetually sneaking into other rooms to make out and getting caught and one time at a Thanksgiving party, he referred to me as his "new girlfriend," and I was like "OH MY GOD YOU CALLED ME YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND" and then our eyes turned into hearts and everyone witnessed the whole disgusting scene.
The first movie we went to see together ... well, I didn't see it. I don't know what happened. As far as I know the whole movie was about staring at my boyfriend's face and kissing. We were love recluses for months. But we are definitely getting better! I'm proud to say that not only did we see a movie together yesterday, but I fell asleep in the middle. (I have a toddler, I'm tired, I'm becoming my mother, deal with it.)
Anyway, I know this probably came off as a 2,000-word humblebrag. BOO HOO HERE'S ALL THE STUFF THAT SUCKS ABOUT BEING CRAZY IN LOVE WITH AN AWESOME DUDE. To be totally clear, being in love is the best and I am super grateful. I just want to wear lipstick again. Can you guys describe what it feels like to wear lipstick to me in the comments?