Are Cheat-y Ladies Less Likely to Get Busted?

Well, I NEVER DID. But seriously, women are way better at this.

Jul 19, 2011 at 11:02am | Leave a comment

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According to a new study surveying users of AshleyMadison.com, the Internet website where people go when they become weary of their partners' genitals, lady cheaters are "less likely to be anxious about being caught looking at sexually explicit material and less cautious than men about sweeping up their cybertrails."

I need more information on the first part -- are they talking about looking at pornography or like, Adult Friend Finder? Cause if it's porn, there's not really much to fear from your man finding you looking at some, unless you're terrified of a deep, rowdy dicking. And even if it's a photo your sidepiece texted you of his donger, you can probably pass it off as really grainy pornography.

But the second part is interesting. Are infidelitous women less scared of getting caught than men? I can think of a few reasons why we might be, like the fact that we are sooooo much smarter than them. OK, that's sexist, but honestly, women just don't get paralyzed with arousal the same way men do. You'll never see a woman staring slackjawed and dead-eyed at a gyrating Chippendales dancer at noon on a Tuesday at the local strip joint. There's just a thing that happens to guys when their erotic senses get overloaded -- the whole motherboard shorts out. Bad decisions are made. I think it's a blood flow issue.

That said, I spent the first half of my pre-sobriety dating life blatantly and stupidly cheating my ass off. I once told a cuckolded partner that my hickey-covered neck was a result of having to roughly rip off a choker (hello 90s!) with a broken clasp. Which is actually an improvement over my 6th-grade excuse to my mother that I'd been "hit in the neck with a basketball."

Of course, my problem was more that I didn't know how to say no and had very low self-esteem, so that I continually found myself settling into relationships with people I didn't actually like very much, like the woman that I dated for three years despite the fact that I'm not gay. My cheating was of the cry for help, "Get me the eff outta here" variety. (Also I like having my vagina touched.)

So maybe it's that men are more likely to use infidelity as a means out of a relationship, aka, the Julieanne Smolinski theory:  "The dudes I know who incessantly cheat on their girlfriends are like serial killers who want to get caught. I don't know if it's laziness or sloppiness or fear of commitment or what, but these guys like, keep trinkets and taunt the police with phone calls. But the women I know who routinely cheat on people they want to stay with are basically MI-5. They like, dissolve their fingerprints in acid and have a host of made up friends and probably one of those pens that squirts chloroform."

Which is the opposite of the study findings, which make it sound like women are all, "Wanna come out to dinner with me and my husband and finger bang me under the table?" But if women are less concerned about getting caught cheating, it's probably for the same reason white Ivy league types deliver marijuana -- because nobody suspects.

After all, it's not the Hillarys and the Sildas and the Elins of the world whose private parts make headlines. There's a large portion of the population who find it hard to believe that women enjoy sex at all, much less the extramarital sort. And why bother clearing your browser history if nobody's checking it?

Alls I knows is, I have never been caught cheating, although I was once caught rolling around with a high-school boyfriend on my parents' bed by my father, who after a long silence drawled, "Do I need to get my rifle?" before slowly backing out of the room.

Put on your secret commenter identities and tell me about that second family you keep in Pensacola or whatever. (Commenting under your own name about your infidelity may be that "uncautious" behavior to which this study refers.)