Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
Now that the parameters of the game have been outlined, it’s time to take an honest assessment of yourself and the image you want to project as bait. Bleached hair, a toned bod, and fake tits are like Gore-Tex when it comes to survival in the strip club, but less-saturated niche identities can prove equally, if not more, profitable. Bonsai-ing yourself into a two-bit version of the top earner is not only pathetic, but ineffective. While girls with exotic looks may fare better with an aloof or mysterious aura, the girl-next-door-type must rely on an upbeat, approachable vibe. Take an honest assessment of your looks, personality and the types of customers you tend to attract and bank off of when identifying and fine-tuning your stripper avatar.
Party Girls are the high-energy dancers that approach every man in the room and never stop smiling. They know that most men are in the strip club to have a good time, and so they play into this fantasy, virtually foaming at the mouth to give dances as if they were on Viagra and speed. It’s a good strategy if you’re in it for numbers, but superficial connection and manic energy doesn’t keep the dude in the chair. Party Girls have the potential to make a lot of money, but only if they keep moving.
Nine hundred dollar extensions? Check. Boobs? Check. Bitchy attitude and Coach luggage in the back? Check, and check. This girl is hot, and she knows it. This isn’t to say that she doesn’t hustle –-- Vegas Clichés are often top earners because they take their identities as strippers and Hot Chicks In General very seriously and spend almost all of their income keeping up this façade. Since they embody the Platonic Ideal of a stripper, almost everyone in the club is potential target, but ardent fans of this type likely include guys who watch too much porn and/or TV, midlife crisis castaways who married too young seeking their lost youth, and anyone at least halfway in the closet.
The Snobby Anomaly
Usually a stunner cruising by on her looks, but the accompanying arrogant attitude makes her too much of a hassle for the average guy seeking a simple escape. While most find her too frigid, she is an expert at hooking that one guy who will be completely addicted to her all night for this very quality. She’ll be at the bar, reading "The Master and Margarita" with a hint of a smirk on her face as she feels the eyes of an intrigued Captain-Save-A-Ho checking out her book and her butt. He’ll finally summon the courage to approach, and they’ll bond over world travel and the similarities between strip clubs and Artaud’s Theatre of Cruelty. She’ll clean him out and keep him coming back for another few days, until the mantras, “You’ don’t belong here,” and, “Why didn’t I meet you somewhere else?” ring hollow and he realizes that she’s not going anywhere, and she definitely belongs here.
The Psychic Cougar
She’s been doing this so long she can do her stage routine in her sleep -– because it’s exactly the same. Every. Single. Time. She knows exactly what you want (even if you don’t) and has an arsenal of sexy, subtle moves to keep the attention of even the most jaded Strip Club Junkie -– who prefers her any day over a bumbling, coked-out Nine gazing in the mirror the whole dance. Young guys looking for some real bang for their buck are also fans of experienced dancers, and watching this odd couple pair up is both hilarious and sweet at the same time.
The Damsel in Distress
Drama is her hustle. She has a kid or five, is about to get evicted, and always wants to go back to school but can’t scrape together the money (despite driving a brand new Escalade). She barely hustles the floor as there is usually a sad regular parked in his usual chair throwing cash at her for listening to him bitch about his diabetes and how much he misses Taco Bell and his ex-wife. Often it will appear that she makes no money at all, until you catch a regular slipping her an envelope and everything clicks.
BID, ASK, SPREAD
Like an idealized Nasdaq Level II quote, in the best possible scenario each customer is matched up with his ideal girl and by the end of the evening the progress bar tracking the contents of his wallet being downloaded to the chosen girl’s garter hits 100% completion. But this is never the case. Much like a junior high school dance, crushes get intercepted, chaos exacts its forces, and as closing time nears Heidi Ho doesn’t even notice Jim’s longing gaze from across the room in the mirror behind her as she shakes her cheeks for that douchebag who got to her first.
Consciously changing into your Money Outfit after a few failed “wanna dance” laps does not mean you actually believe the fate of your income is determined by ritual clothing changes. Even the most systematic money extracting girl-machines are smart enough to know that switching up an approach when no one's biting or returning to a tried-and-true trick don’t hurt and at the very least can get set your default state back to Hustle Mode. During a heated debate over whether dabbing pussy juice behind the ear before a dance really worked, the stripper with her hands down her thong finally admitted that it could all be a placebo effect and definitively screeched “IT’S LIKE DUMBO, OKAY?! IT’S MY MAGIC FEATHER! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”
A bored veteran stripper reading the horoscopes section of US Weekly during a slow day shift said that all strippers believe in astrology at least a little bit. From a both a logical and Freudian standpoint, this holds true. Strippers probably share a feeling of a lack of control over their lives, which leads to acting out (stripping), giving an illusion of control. Once in the club, the lack of consistent connection between money earned and effort spent forces the acknowledgement of the existence of luck and benevolence and reinforces OCD-like behaviors and thinking patterns.
FROM GENERALITIES TO PARTICULARS
Crafting an effective hustle hinges on these universal qualities:
1) A smile (real or fake). Most importantly, know how and when to use it punctuatively.
2) Immunity to rejection.
3) The ability to work it (also known as: confidence).
...in combination with awareness of your unique attributes and limitations. Tailor your hustle firstly to Men In General, then specifically to the flavor of benefactor that tends to drop money on your type. Trust your Stripperstition -- like the spontaneous intuitive eurekas of Einstein and Archimedes before you, it may be a subconscious form of pattern recognition lurking underneath the flashy sensory overload that works to enhance your Stripper Avatar and, thus, your specific hustle strategy.