SPREAD ’EM FOR THE CAMERA! Or, A Less Gross Way To Say Skype Sex Is The Greatest, And I Have Tips!

Look, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m basically an expert at playing with myself in front of a laptop.

Feb 5, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

All right, so maybe Skype sex isn’t the greatest. SEX-sex is the greatest. I wouldn’t lie to you like that.

But. Because I am exceptionally bad at dating geographically convenient men, I’ve spent the better part of the past seven years in long-distance relationships.

SEVEN. YEARS. That’s, like, a third of my life

Given how regularly I’ve been cockblocked by distance and the time-space continuum, I’ve had to get a little creative. And by “creative,” I mean that, like zillions of other sexually frustrated people, I’ve had to take my sex life online.

Look, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m basically an expert at playing with myself in front of a laptop. 

I will say that I’ve only ever done this with people I’ve dated and trusted, but you all know that the Internet is terrifying and that people are surprisingly scummy. If you’re willing to blithely ignore that, as I choose to, then let’s talk about Skype sex! 

Oh, and I’m calling it “Skype sex” because it sounds pithier than “video-chat sex.” I know the latter is technically correct, but “video-chat sex” evokes those unbearable New York Times think pieces on gen-Y sexology. (“MILLENNIALS HOOK UP ON INTERNET, FEEL IN EMOJI.” I’d read it.) I’ve also stripped down on FaceTime, GChat, iChat, you get the picture. I’m not brand loyal.

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Fellazzz?

SET THE MOOD

As with regular sex, there is a time and a place for spontaneous Skype sex. When the mood strikes you, give no damns at ALL about hairy legs, or the fact that your bedroom looks like a social club for stained shirts and empty water bottles. Get some!

But, if you’ve had a long day, the kind of day where you’d ask your partner to rub your back before engaging in a nice, lazy tryst during which you barely do any of the work, then you might want to take a little time to set the scene.

For me, this means cleaning off my bed, shaving my legs, and lighting enough candles to make my room suitable for a coven gathering. I might also skim a story or two on Literotica.com or scroll through sexy texts, if I’ve got ’em handy.

GET THE PARTY STARTED

All right, let’s get this show on the road! The first step of initiating Skype sex is taking your shirt off. 

Next, well, there is no next step. That’s literally all you need to do to kick off le cyberbang. In fact, whip it off BEFORE you start the chat, if you really mean business.

In my experience, the pre-coital tension that makes regular sex so much fun doesn’t really hold water online. It just kind of feels like waiting, and not like, “ Mm babe, I’ve been waiting for this all day,” but more like, “Excuse me, sir, but we ordered our entrees 40 minutes ago, and we were just wondering if they would be out soon, or...?” 

No, you don’t need to nuzzle your way into Skype sex, but there’s still foreplay, I promise. It’s just evolving with the medium! It began when you shaved your legs or went all Satan-worshipping-chic on your bedroom or whatever a few minutes ago, and it’s about to pick up.

And, fine, if you still feel really weird just tossing your hoodie and caution to the wind, say, “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” and THEN toss your hoodie and caution to the wind. But seriously. Anything more is overkill.

WHAT’S YOUR FANTASY?

Let me throw out a few scenarios here: You’re vaguely interested in role-play. You fantasize about getting groped on the subway during rush hour. You squirm uncontrollably when your partner licks this one spot right by your hipbone. You have an unused toy in your top drawer and you’d maybe like to whip it out.

SPEAK! Speak now, or forever have mediocre Skype sex.

The challenge with Skype sex, you see, is that you’re missing the intimacy that touching brings to sex, and you need to compensate somehow. Some might (correctly) argue that trusting another person not to screenshot your face and genitalia is already pretty freaking intimate, but I’m proposing some next-level shit. I say you go for intense emotional vulnerability. 

Baring my soul, along with my everything-else, has never once backfired for me during Skype sex. You might learn that you and your partner share a fantasy. Depending on what that fantasy is, you might get to test the waters right then and there. Sexily stripping for someone online, incidentally, is a thousand times easier than stripping in person. 

The best part is, discussing fantasies almost ALWAYS leads to better sex in person. Even if you never mention threesomes again (although good luck -- give most straight dudes an inch on threesomes and they’ll take a mile, I’ve noticed), you both know you’ve thought about it, and it’s a turn-on that you could both be thinking about it RIGHT NOW. 

Also, it can be way easier to bring this stuff up online than face-to-face. Rather than shamefacedly muttering about a facial, you can just send a link to a dirty story or a porn clip and say, “I thought this was kinda hot.” Multiplatform sex for the 21st century!

As for the worst-case scenario: when you confess to a fantasy that isn’t shared, your partner in cyber-crime will not, in fact, slam their laptop shut in repulsion. Instead, they will probably think it’s hot as fuck that you’re talking about it, and you’ll think it’s hot as fuck that they think it’s hot as fuck. 

And that’s when things get hot as FUCK.

Oh, and if my above list of scenarios terrified you, don’t worry. You don’t need such a freaky freak flag to fly, because, duh, anything about sex can be sexy. Think about sensations. Think about what you love to watch happen. Think “that thing you do with your [body part] to my [body part].” Mmmmmmm. 

Now, stop thinking about all that and finish reading my article.

READY FOR YOUR CLOSEUP?

What Mandy discovered in a bathroom stall at the New York Post’s HQ, I learned in a small rectangle in the corner of my computer screen: what my sex face looks like, what I look like naked, what angles flatter me, etc. Ever since I realized I could hide my upper-arm fat off-screen, I’ve been prone to a little live editing.

And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. Feel free to readjust the angle of your camera or writhe on your bed until you’re a Skype sex bombshell. Strike a couple of poses. Crawl around on all fours to give your behind a little screen-time. Part of the fun of all this is seeing yourself on camera, after all. 

All right. You’ve found your angle, and you look goooo-ood. Ready to zoom in? Because the next step is getting ALL up in the camera. Get on your knees and straddle your keyboard, or lay back and tilt the screen until you’ve got that perfect between-the-legs shot. 

See, while guys may not always jump at the chance to get eye-and-mouth-level with your Georgia O’Keefe in person, they’re generally enthused to get an onscreen eyeful. Porn, I suspect, plays a role in this, but whatever. This is a fun and super-effective technique, so everybody wins. Plus, now you can find out what your vagina looks like! 

Now, take all of the prancing and laptop-repositioning you were doing earlier, add in a few zoomed-in shots, pick a favorite fantasy, and mix it all together. 

Wiggle your ass close to the camera and touch yourself. Tilt the screen up from between your legs until your boobs and face are both visible. Tell your partner what you’re thinking about when you’re touching yourself. Tell them what you want to see them do. Ask them what they want you to do. Have them TELL you what to do.

Give them a close-up. Closer. Closer.

Rebecca doesn’t check Twitter @rebsanti while she’s Skype sex-ing her boyfriend. She’s not a monster.