So, How Do You Know If You Have A "Pretty" One?

THIS is the bullshit that’s been occupying my mind all damn day.
Publish date:
December 26, 2012
porn, insecurities, vaginas

I was chatting with my good guy friend OLM online again, and somehow the conversation veered towards nude celebrity pics that "randomly" get leaked online.

We traded a few revealing NSFW links back and forth, but the conversation got real dicey when we landed on R&B singer Cassie’s three-year-old pussy pics. (For those of you who don’t know, Cassie is P. Diddy’s main chick/side piece/fiancée, depending on how you perceive their multiple-parties-involved situation.)

Spread (bald) eagle in all her hairless, flexible glory, she’d damn near exposed her uterus to the entire world. All I could type was, "Ewwwww!" For shame! So desperate! How dreadful!

And OLM? Well, he replied with five words that cut me deep, Shrek: “She got a pretty one.”

A pretty one? What in the actual all-around fuck is a pretty one?

Of course, I didn't dare ask him that. I mean, we’re friends and all, but I couldn’t let him know that he’d inadvertently given me the worst gift ever -- something else to obsess over.

At the risk of sharing TMI (but can I ever really in xoJaneville?!), I sneak a peek at my dick driveway on a regular basis, and always when I snatch my snatch. And I think it’s really pretty.

But then again, I should. Because it’s mine. And I keep it neatly groomed and super duper clean. Plus, it’s the only one I’ll ever have. Unless they start doing full-blown vagina transplants. Which if they do, I’ll take Elizabeth Taylor’s. I can't think of any other twat that’s fetched as many sparkly expensive-ass engagement rings as hers. So, yeah, dibs on that one.

But I digress.

What makes Cassie’s pussy so pretty? Is it because it appeared to be hair-bump-less? Or tattoo-less? Or C-section scar-less? (Can you tell I watch a lot of low-rent porn?) Was it because it was all one uniform shade of pink? (But aren’t they all pink? On the inside at least?) I mean, it's not like it's vajazzled or anything. Seriously -- it looks pretty regular to me.

For the record, I feel like a supremo perv. And I still can’t make sense of this. But it’s really bothering me. Can any of you help? What makes a vajayjay pretty to you? And if you could get a vagina transplant, whose pussy would you pilfer? (And yes, you better fucking tell me why!)

I’m keeping it hella random over on Twitter: @IndiaJewelJax.