6 Sex Toys That Don’t Look Like Dicks, Because Sometimes That’s Not the Point

Not all vegetarians want to eat fake meat.
Publish date:
July 1, 2016
vibrators, sex toys, Babeland, Jimmyjane

I’ve always side-eyed phallic sex toys, and aesthetics is definitely one of the reasons why. Personally, I don’t want a toy that enters the Uncanny Dick Valley. (Veins! Bulges! Out-of-scale frenulums!). That being said, I also don’t want something that looks like it belongs on a Pikmin.

My bigger qualm, though, is functionality. A very informal survey of my friends reveals that most women don’t orgasm vaginally and use toys that are built for penetration mostly externally. I can’t say I’m surprised, though, since I kind of thought that dildos were like seat belts, medicine, and guitars — created without much thought to how anyone other than a man would use them.

For that matter, just because I’m doing something sexual doesn’t mean I need a dick-analogue involved. It’s like insisting all vegetarians MUST want fake meat. Sometimes it’s just not necessary, and I’m good, thanks.

Nevertheless, it seems like dick-shaped vibrators and dildos are the default, unless you do some digging. Which I did, because I’m a giver.

Minna Limon

It kinda looks like a knockoff beautyblender, right? The cool thing about all Minna products, (including the Ola, which I own), is that the vibration settings are totally tactile. The harder you squeeze the toy, the harder it vibrates. Super-easy, and more intuitive than D-pads (Why do they need so many arrows? I’m not putting cheat codes into it) on a lot of toys that I always end up snapping my nails off trying to use.

Oh! Also! It’s completely waterproof and way more fun in the bath than a rubber dick. Duck. Whatever.

Njoy Pure Wand

I know this thing looks terrifying, and it kind of is, but if stainless steel isn’t already involved in your sex life, it should be. You can use every type of lube with it, it holds temperature FOREVER, and it’s non-porous, so it’s really easy to clean.

Before I bought this, I definitely thought insertable sextoys were total bunk made by men who had no idea how women have sex and couldn’t see beyond their own anatomy. I don’t normally like being proven wrong, but it’s not so bad when being proven wrong = g-spot orgasms.

Pro-tip, though: don’t drop it. It dented my floor.

Jimmyjane Form 2

OK, imagine you had the best Rabbit vibrator in the entire world, but instead of relying on the vibration transferred from the motor in the shaft, there were individual motors in each of the ears. Now ditch the entire shaft part and the creepy bunny face, and you have the Form 2.

I had a product crush on this thing for the longest time, and for a solid three months I would pop into Babeland, mess around with it, put it back, and walk out. There was a Jimmyjane sale where they’d throw in an extra vibrator (a good one, not a little finger vibe) with your order, so I finally pulled the trigger.

IT’S SO WORTH IT. It’s like masturbating with surround sound.

Hitachi Magic Wand

This is often described as the “Cadillac of vibrators,” but frankly, it’s more of a KitchenAid. While the wand itself is so high-powered that I probably can’t be within five feet of it and while it will get you off in the same amount of time it takes to plug it in, the sheer variety of attachments for this thing is mind-boggling.

A flutter tip? You got it. A nuzzle tip? Sure. Not to mention the standard rabbits, g-spot attachments, and, if you’re feeling generous, some guy-centric prostate and sleeve attachments.

Womanizer Delight

Most of these sex toys haven’t exactly been discreet, but you could maybe leave the Womanizer out in your shower and convince your cleaning lady it was for reducing crow’s feet or shrinking your pores or something. Maybe. I have no idea if that works from personal experience at all.

This isn’t exclusively a vibrator, and, to my knowledge, it’s pretty unique as far as sex toys go in that it uses suction. If feels as close as you can get to real-deal oral sex.

Lovelife Wanderlust

Do you want to get off and also feel like you’re in Sailor Moon? Same.

The Wanderlust is a great, non-tacky option for bachelorette parties or that one friend who’s too afraid to buy their own toys. I’m normally against cutesy sex toys, but this one is an exception because it’s… minimal? Whimsical? If ModCloth sold sex toys, they’d definitely stock this one.