Sex Toy Supermarket: What's Your Favorite Vibrator?

I ask not out of prurient curiosity but as someone who is looking at the options and feeling slightly overwhelmed.

Apr 3, 2012 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

So, here's a personal question:

What's your favorite vibrator?

I ask not out of prurient curiosity but as someone who is looking at the options and feeling slightly overwhelmed. Look at all the pretty colors! And cute animals! And, wait, that goes where?

Shopping for sex toys is totally like shopping for small kitchen appliances for me. You get to the store and everything is shiny and it all looks super awesome. And the packaging makes some amazing promises. Slice cucumbers really thin in a fraction of the usual time. Make meatballs without all of the meatball-making mess. Orgasm harder and longer than ever before.

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But, like those small kitchen appliances, I sometimes get things home and have no idea what I was thinking. Yes, I use the juicer. But not nearly as often as I thought I would. And I've still never used the mandoline slicer.

This is probably not what the sales people of my local sexytimes superstore (Fairvilla -- it's like a 24-hour Wal-Mart of sex) want me to be thinking about when I stand in front of their wall o' vibe demo models. They're all "Can I help you with anything?" and I'm all "Is this going to be a repeat of the peppercorn grinder debacle?"

In an effort to avoid that sort of scene (I don't think it's the strangest question anyone at Fairvilla has been asked but still), I've turned to the Internet. The problem with the Internet, though, is that it's the Internet -- anyone can say anything. I have no idea who to believe. I've got a cast iron skillet that I use every single day -- but there doesn't seem to be a way to pre-determine what the cast iron skillet of vibrators is going to be.

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Part of this is, of course, because orgasm is super individual. There's no Magic Wand -- metaphorically anyway, because there is one literally -- that works for everyone. But, still, I wish there were a website where you could choose from handy dandy drop-down menus and just click a button for recommendations. Like, that thing in iTunes that tells you what else you might like to listen to based on your music preferences.

I've owned a variety of sex toys over the course of my sexual activity, and I'm still overwhelmed by the selection. That's not a bad thing -- I really am glad there's variety. But I do wonder how intimidating it is for the person who's never bought a sex toy before, especially if they don't have the reassuring safety blanket of making the purchase with a partner in tow.

And there IS something reassuring in that. A lot of sex stores aren't friendly environments for women, and having a partner there can shout loudly and with perfect enunciation that you aren't there to get picked up, much less harassed. (Actually, depending on the sex store, and what the person is browsing...But I digress.)

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I have the luxury of being able to drag my partner to the sex store, but then he's really just there to be a show pony. And that hardly seems fair.

Also not fair: how much a lot of sex toys, especially quality ones that will last you for more than a few hot and heavy nights, can cost. A ticket for the sex toy ride is not cheap.

More than one friend, in my totally informal and unscientific survey (don't ask me about my methodology, please), did indeed list cost as a barrier to sex toy purchase. Yeah, there are some rock bottom cheap ones -- but those are usually the ones with the bad reviews. It's like there's no way to win.

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To continue my ill-advised small appliances metaphor, I'm looking for a cast iron skillet here, people. Not, like, a single pan from Goodwill that I can get for a quarter. (I had that pan. It was a good pan! But it died a terrible death involving a fire extinguisher. I am ACTUALLY talking about a pan, not a vibrator here, by the way.) I'm also not looking for a complete set of pots and pans.

In less symbolic terms: I'm replacing a Fun Factory vibe that looks like a mole. It's cute as all hell but the visual pun got old. I mean, seriously, I shouldn't be thinking about Richard Scarry's Busy Town while getting busy.

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(And what's up with all the dolphins? Dolphins are awfully rapey.)

I have teal deered all of that to say this: What's your favorite vibrator and why? And if you've never used one, why not?

That's not a judgey "Why not?", by the way. Just a curious one. I don't believe there is a "best orgasm ever" but I do think there are lots of ways to get there (by yourself and with a partner) so I'm curious when people don't use all the available tools. Heh. Tools.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that this doesn't end up like the stand mixer gathering dust on top of my refrigerator.