A New Survey Breaks Down Top Porn Search Terms State by State, and I Think I've Found My New Conversational Icebreaker

I always say if you want to know the darkest corners of someone's soul you need to know what they search for on porn sites. This creepy new survey reveals all -- state by state and country by country.

Mar 12, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Me trying to look all porn-y.

Trigger Warning: Sexual violation, including rape and incest, are discussed in this piece in the realm of fantasy. NSFW Warning: The link to this survey takes you to a porn site that conducted the research.

In addition to asking people what their Top 5 favorite movies are as a sure-fire way to really and truly "know" someone instantly, the other questions I like to ask are: What drugs have you done, and have you ever hired a prostitute.

My answers: (1) "Annie Hall," "The Graduate, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," "Heathers," "When Harry Met Sally." (2) pot, acid, cocaine and (3) yes.

But there's one other question I love to ask if the person is down and is comfortable talking about their sexuality. That is: What do you type into porn search engines?

Well, I have the best news ever for weaving this topic into over-drinks conversation!

There is some sketchy new survey from PornMD that just came out revealing the top porn search engine results -- state-by-state and even country-by-country. You know what that means right? If I ask anyone this question, I'M JUST BRINGING UP A TOPICAL SUBJECT IN THE NEWS.

I no longer have to be bringing up the question out of nowhere. Now I can say, as I chat with a hot preppy lobster farmer in Maine: "Did you know that one of the top search terms in your state is for the infamous Zumba Madame? It's true. Alexis Wright. You should check her out. This Vanity Fair piece is pretty fascinating. Anyway, what do you search for on porn sites? Teen? College? MILF? Creampie? These are all popular search terms in your state as well. Thoughts?"

Then there's Kansas -- one of the few states with "squirt" as a top search. North Dakota seems to be a fan of the porn star "Lisa Ann." Or there's the fact that the farther north I looked -- like, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan -- the more "anal" I saw as a top search term. GEOGRAPHIC CORRELATION? Can we get some NIH funding up in this piece?

Nation by nation, it gets even more fascinating. Hungary's top searches? 1. facial 2. mom and son 3. Hungarian 4. scat 5. woodman 6. casting 7. grandpa (gay) 8. Korean (gay) 9. latex 10. bondage.

Welcome to Hungary, everybody!

Over in Iceland, we have: 1. teenagers fucking 2. native american (gay) 3. bdsm 4. hairy anal 5. daddy (gay) 6. prostate massage 7. beast 8. bondage (gay) 9. smoking (gay) 10. orgasm.

And yet no porny "Viking" or "volcanic glacier" searches? Such a waste.

Before I tell you some of the things I have searched for on porn sites in the past, I will quote Emily here -- as she says in this article about fantasies better than I ever could: "Here's where my mind really goes during clitoral stimulation. Obligatory disclaimer: These are FANTASIES, which are the opposite of REALITY. There is stuff on this list that I wouldn't want to happen to me or another person in real life, but the fantasy gets me hot when played out between two consenting adults -- or just to think about so get out of my sexbrain, MIND POLICE."

Because my answers would read like a Misogyny Primer if they weren't 100 percent in the realm of fantasy and role play. I have searched for in the past on porn sites: "drunk sluts," "gangbang," "rape," "cocaine," "daddy," and "big tits." Largely, the darker fantasies such as the "daddy-little girl" fantasies usually have a disclaimer at the beginning between both actors, over 18, that there is no actual incest occurring but instead two consenting adults engaging in roleplay. Still, it's definitely super-dark creeper-town, Population: Me.

Now, I realize to put myself in a better light, I could have just said "gangbang" (scandalous! but not too scandalous) and left out the more depraved fantasy shit, but alas, you deserve better than that, so I'm laying my psyche out here. Honestly, I'm not proud of searching for these things in the past. But I think it's important to be honest about our sexbrains.

Let me predict some of the negative reaction to what I have searched for, which I'm guessing consists of two wildly different camps.

(1) That by seeking out and condoning implicitly through the action of searching for these fantasies I am in a way contributing to misogynistic rape culture in society -- especially when the search results for a porn site show that creeps like me have searched for shit like "rape."

Or:

(2) That I have way too much Catholic guilt, and why am I judging pornographic sexual fantasies when that's all these are? And until I stop judging them, I'm never going to be healthy.

Well, I do judge my fantasies, and the idea that even typing in the search term "rape" into a porn hub might encourage the filming of some dark role-play -- which might then contribute to some fucked-up situation or reality for a fucked-up woman makes me feel quite terrible. But I hate lying, and all of those search terms I have actually typed in the past, so I think I would be dishonest to deny it.

Tell me: Have you worked in porn? Am I hurting women by having searched for these things? Be honest.

Which is all a very apologetic way to explain HOW I like to wedge into other people's psyches to find out The Terrible Truth of What Turns Them On.

Which you can and will definitely find out by asking: What do you search for when you go to porn sites?

Sometimes this conversation has led to some of the most purging epiphany soul-laughter clearing discussions I've ever had. Who knew that one of my friends would be big on "interracial MILF" as his go-to turn on. Or another friend was all about "female masturbation."

How does that saying go? We are only as sick as our secrets. Maybe that's part of the reason why it can be a light-producing activity to share the darker parts of ourselves.

Oh, and while I'm probably a splash Kinsey 2, to be clear, I'm imagining myself as the woman when I search. So when I look for "big tits," I'm imagining myself to be the pleasuring secretary and whatnot -- rather than imagining some busty chick eating me out or whatever.

So please do check out this porn search term state-by-state and country-by-country infographic, and tell me if your state (or country) is surprising in its kinks -- or pretty predictable. And if you are willing, tell me what do you search for online on porn sites? And you're welcome to psychoanalyze my search terms. If it helps soften my confession at all, lately I check out porn sites when I'm stressed and/or horny probably about once a week, and I go to "top rated." So that's pretty tame, no? Maybe?

What do you think? Should I just get on with it, move to Wisconsin and get more into anal? Thoughts?

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Posted in Sex, porn, search terms, survey