A Handy Guide To Handling Yourself After Banging a Famous Person

Our experienced star-boner has asked to be anonymous so as not to "scare off any drummers."
Publish date:
June 30, 2011
celebrity, entertainment, groupies

If you've ever seen "Notting Hill" or read an Internet, you know it can be hard to empathize with celebrities. They usually have better apartments and cheekbones, generally don't do their own oil-changing and spend around 67 percent more time in those natural stone jacuzzis than normal people.

So I suppose I can see how someone could experience a stunning lapse in empathy and send out a mass-email containing graphic information about a nice, talented human person who makes awesome movies and just haaaaaaappens to maybe like coming on ladies' feet.

What this Beejoli Shah did was not totally unprecedented. But as somebody who has occasionally gotten naked with one or two notable people, I'd just like to say: Fuck you right in your dumb ear, Beejoli Shah.

Real quick: while I'm not condemning or defending groupie-ism here, I'm not a groupie per se. Some job sites -- whether they're hotel bars or the Capitol Building or a music label -- just put you smack the paths of oncoming celebrity genitals. Often times, famous people are famous because they are good looking and/or talented, which are both characteristics in people from whom a lot of us like to get head. If hot people start not having sex with us because they're worried about the Beejoli "BCC: The Universe" Shahs of the world, they are taking away one of the only side benefits of being the hostess at a vegan restaurant on La Cienega or doing red carpet wire reporting at the People's Choice Awards.

It's not like we get health insurance, Beejoli!

I admit I once waited outside of a stage door for Mandy Patinkin in middle school to get my Playbill signed (not a metaphor!), but I personally find actively pursuing famous men wildly unfeminist, especially if you practically take out a Variety ad to disparage the other person's body. (A woman once argued to me that sleeping with powerful men because they were powerful was actually a very feminist act, which I don't fully get, but I guess I'm open to people being turned on by the idea of power.)

Again, I'm not here to judge you if you get your kicks by having sex with famous people. I will, however, judge the Invisaligns off your star-fellating mouth if you if you act like a creep after. Allow me to suggest a few easy-ass things not to do if and when you have sex with a famous person.

Don't Tell the Internet. Even Anonymously.

Don't go on Reddit with pictures. Don't email Gawker, don't post to a groupie blog. Don't do anything you wouldn't want some creep doing about you or your friend or a sibling.

Don't Tell Your Potential Love Interests.

I went out with a guy who told a long story about a famous girl he slept with and her drinking problem. I don't even want to that you've ever HAD a girlfriend on the first date, let alone that you had sex with a television star. I don't have a trainer and the money for extensions!

Don't Shop or Sell Your Story.

Hi, you've just been paid money because you slept with a married guy while you babysat his kids. Hope Mrs. Fields can fit "Congratulations on Being Very Classy" on the cookie cake I'm sending you at You're Gross manor.

Don't Have Sex With Someone You Don't Want To Have Sex With.

This should apply to EVERYBODY whom you choose to have sex with. LOOKING AT YOU HERE BEEJOLI.

If You Tell Your Friends, Don't Leave a Paper Trail

A woman sending out a group email with photos and full names is an anomaly of epically stupid proportions, but if you must tell a trustworthy few (and OK, sometimes we must -- brunch lines can be long) tell them in a way that can't be mass-distributed.

Don't Tell Your Friends a Whole Bunch of Times

They get annoyed.

Don't Groupie Where You Shouldn't.

Are you a journalist? Don't have sex with your subjects. ESPECIALLY don't have sex with your subjects and write about it. (If nothing else this undermines your credibility and makes the rest of us nervous to conduct interviews in hotel rooms.)

Do you work in A&R? You should definitely not be having sex with people whom you might potentially sign. Do you work IN POLITICS? Don't have sex with politicians under unethical circumstances! Especially if they're Democrats. We need that house majority, you assholes.

Don't Have Sex With Ethan Embry.

He's really fragile right now.