All my not-sexy baking ends today.
Attention! If you are a moderately attractive male that was born between 1985 and 1993: I’d like to tap that ass.
Let’s do a quick clarification: Pumas, apparently, are distinctly different from cougars (unlike their animal world counterparts). Not only is there one feline term for women over 40 who date young, there is ANOTHER feline term for women in their 20s and 30s who date young. Because obviously we need two terms for this insanity, right?
But CNN wrote about pumas, so it is officially a thing. Fine. The bottom line: Being a puma is a non-stop frickin’ tilt-a-whirl of awesome.
Why do some of us prefer younger men? Like any physical (or mental) “type,” some of us just happen to gravitate to post-teen, nubile partners. Perhaps it’s vanity, but I look at a man 7 years my junior, and he looks like a peer, a contemporary. When introduced to a man 7 years older than me, however, he looks like Grandpa Simpson.
But 7 years younger is nothing. Let’s talk about the guys who are 10, 12, 14 years younger. The 21-year olds to my 35. THAT’S where the magic is at.
There are many good reasons that younger guys are fantastic. The first is obvious: They’re so prettttty!
The untarnished glow of a young guy is undeniably fresh and exciting. They still have skin like veal calves and teeth like lions. Lions that floss daily. They have yet to sprout tumbleweed-like patches of wiry hair on their backs. There have no hints of jowls or receding hairlines. Their metabolism is still functioning like a squirrel on meth, so they have six-pack ab muscle definition WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.
Imagine taking Ryan Gosling and polishing him down briefly with a belt sander. This is essentially what you’re getting in a college-age man.
In addition, if you get as far as taking the younger fellas to the bedroom, you will be enchanted by their resilience and stamina. They can lift you right up off the ground, and don’t have to put you down grunting within a 3-Mississippi count. When you inevitably get vertigo and faceplant onto their ribcage (because you are old), their bones will regenerate like a chameleon tail. These kids can configure a pelvis in ways that you never thought were humanly possible.
It’s like having sex with a Transformer. For three hours.
In addition to physical youth, guys who are substantially younger tend to look up to us as accomplished, and thus smarter. The preponderance of research has verified that men are essentially social idiots until the age of at least 30. We can’t help but be smarter because we have more experience. We GET things in a way that their naivete cannot process. In any argument, you are always going to be right, because you have been on this earth longer, and you can remember Ronald Reagan and “Charles in Charge.”
Dating dudes that were born the year you got your first car also leads to new adventures. In addition to his aforementioned bed (read: futon) aerobics, hanging out with younger guys allows for unique field trips and getaways.
Puma tourism! You never again thought you’d get to spend the night in a fraternity house, did you? Or crash with a pair of Australian gap-year brothers in a trailer park at SXSW. Yeah, I know. These adventures wouldn’t generally hold a lot of allure for me either, but there’s excitement in edgy.
Puma tourism is the sex equivalent of rich white people going to Laos to eat crickets from a street stall. Just make sure you bring lots of hand sanitizer on your puma adventures. I’d also recommend one of those pee funnels.
There are natural drawbacks to dating younger guys, however. For one, you’re gonna need to take a lot more naps. Not only are they exhilaratingly exhausting to be around, but young guys don’t seem to sleep. You’ll want to plan out pockets of convenient naptime, perhaps when he’s playing God of War 10 Million on his XBox Infinity.
You’ll also need to watch out for language barriers. Consider this real-life text transcript:
Me: I just got a promotion at work!
Supple Male Concubine: Siiicccckkkkk.
Me: Is that the good kind of sick or are you abruptly telling me that you’re not feeling well?
Every time you say “rad” or even “sweet,” you are severely dating yourself. I recently said “Coolio!” to a 22-year-old and he looked at me as though I were speaking a foreign language. You best prime yourself with Urban Dictionary’s top hits before you attempt to engage in any conversation. Train yourself out of your ancient colloquialisms unless you can somehow pull it off ironically as retro. (Note: You can’t.)
It’s also important to remember that many young bucks have never lived with, nor had have had a long-term relationship with a woman. Thus, the female body and it’s business can mystify, even terrify them.
Young guys tend to have a strong fear of the working vagina. For example, consider references to ovulation. As most people who took 7th grade health class will know, ovulation generally coincides with heightened sexual arousal, as your ladyparts are trying to reproduce. I’ll frequently make ovulation jokes to dudes as an indicator of horniness, but have learned that fellas under 25 cannot handle this. Any remote or abstract reference to the idea that women menstruate may send them screaming back to their hotpots and kegerators.
Finally, be prepared to constantly hear about blow jobs and threesomes. You know how they say that the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds? This is heavily skewed by the fact that the average 20-year-old man never stops thinking about blowjobs. Ever.
I’m well aware that men of all ages are happy to engage in fellatial and lesbianonic fantasies, but something about younger guys...they just always.need.to.tell.you.
Hazards aside, younger dudes are worth the extra effort and patience. It’s a huge confidence boost. It’s incredibly flattering to be found sexy by someone over a decade your junior. Their female contemporaries are girls who still have visible cheekbones and can wear crop tops in public with societal acceptance.
When young men are surrounded by this level of girl-buoyancy and yet still choose to seek my attention, well, that’s psychological marshmallows.
Dating younger guys is a delightful distraction for the reality of the everyday old-lady life. You don’t think about your mortgage or impending arthritis because these issues are irrelevant when you are blissfully eating pizza on a curb after hooking up in the backseat of a Ford Focus.
Put the doldrums of your life on hold and treat yourself to some younger men.