Oral Sex, I'm Just Not That Into You

No one can accuse me of not trying to make this work.

Sep 1, 2011 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

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In the romantic comedy of life, I'm the sassy best friend -- the one who says things like "MySpace is the new booty call!" and can be played by a gay man or Judy Greer. And I know as a raunchy, brassy, sexy-type person, I'm supposed to be all like "PUT YOUR FACE IN IT" when it comes to oral sex.

But I must stand in my vagina truth and tell you that it just doesn't do it for me.

Maybe in the beginning it had something to do with that adolescent self-consciousness so many of us feel when it comes to our areas, but even as I grew confident in the flavor and aroma of my lady business, I never really started enjoying oral sex with the zest and abandon of my peers.

I have given it the old college try, believe me. I've spent countless evenings (and next mornings) with my legs spread and my hips propped up on a pillow basically tracing the freaking ceiling cracks cause I'm bored, bored, bored.

There's a certain kind of dude who, upon finding out you're just not that into oral, says something like, "You must have been getting some really bad oral." And for a second, of course, you believe him. (You also don't want to answer, "But I've had sex with sooooo many people!") Hope springs anew that you're about to experience something really fantastic, but just like everyone's first time having intercourse, the letdown is epic. This slurping tongue feeling, this darting and licking, is the amazing thing everyone has been talking about?

Its not that it's not enjoyable -- its just that I can take it or leave it. I imagine it must be how people who aren't alcoholics feel about cocktails with dinner. (On multiple occasion in my drinking days, I cried upon finding out a restaurant didn't have a liquor license.)

When it comes to receiving oral sex, the list of things I'd rather be doing includes stuff that doesn't even stimulate my phsyical nerves, but trips the wires of my sex psyche, like giving oral sex, talking dirty or watching a guy masturbate. 

So I have to wonder: Is my dissatisfaction with receiving oral a psychological thing? And if so, do a lot of other women feels the same way?

Did some of us drink in enough societal messages that we find greater satsifaction in male pleasure than our own? Or is it that men don't bother to perfect the art of  cunnilingus the way we lovingly tend to our fellatio skills? I don't know if you hear groups of guys competitively boasting about their mad skillz like I have heard women proudly trumpeting how great they are at giving head. (I resist the urge here to tell you how great I am at giving head.)

Or is it just not as good for women? We certainly don't seem driven by our compulsion for oral the way men are by blowjobs, haven't built a whole culture and humor around how badly we want a mouth on our crotches. Maybe it's a biological quirk, one last cruel trick from God after he made the "G-spot" and then hid it. HA! Good one, God, you ol' misogynistic bastard, you!

Of course, like so many things, it's possible this is just my issue. But I'll tell you one thing: If I had a penis for a day, I'd definitely get a blowjob. Now THAT looks like it feels good.