Rebound 2: The One with the Lesbian Stuff (and Heroin)

I feel a big black emptiness eating at my insides all of the time, and people keep telling me how amazing I look.
Publish date:
July 23, 2012
anonymous single girl, heroin, breakups, rebound, lesbians, M

This Is What it Would Have Looked Like, Had I Taken a Picture (but I didn't, this is staged)

Everyone keeps telling I need to move on and get over it. I get up, I go to work every day, and I sit in my office with the door closed and try not to cry. I feel bad for the people who work with me, because I can’t fucking deal with anything right now. It’s been about two months since I threw ex out. We keep meeting for dinner and one of us always ends up crying.

I keep losing weight (not eating). I actually think all those stories about people (WOMEN) being more successful the more conventionally attractive (SKINNY) they are might be true. I feel a big black emptiness eating at my insides all of the time, and people keep telling me how amazing I look.

Bobby started texting me in the afternoon about getting together. I know he just wants to hook up, and I also heard he’s got a serious girlfriend/maybe fiancé, which he failed to mention before coming on my stomach. I keep flirting with him via text at work, mostly to distract myself, but I feel shitty for his girlfriend.

My friend Sasha calls, she has two friends in town from LA and wants to meet up at the Breslin for drinks on a Friday after work. I cannot wait to start drinking. I leave work a couple of hours early and have some pre-game drinks with co-workers first.

When I get to the Breslin, I’m already drunk. Good drunk though, not sloppy. Tight. Bobby has been texting and asking what I’m up to and I tell him I’m drinking with my girlfriends. He asks for pics so we make stupid duckfaces in my iPhone and I show a little tit. The place is mobbed and no one notices, or if they do, they don’t care. The bartender laughs at us and gives us a free round of G&Ts. I actually feel good for the first time in forever. I’m not worried about how I’m going to pay the rent without ex for a couple hours. I’m not worried about finding someone to love me again. I’m in the moment.

After a few hours, a few more drinks and some snacks, Sasha has to head back to Brooklyn and is leaving me with the LA girls. The redhead takes off, and the brunette (Jenny? Jessie?) invites me back to her friend’s apartment she’s crashing in to hang out. We pick up a six-pack and take a cab to the Upper West.

It’s hot out, and the AC is already on in the dark little apartment. I don’t know when it happened, but the sun set. I open a beer and look for a glass in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to find a glass in here.”

“Ha ha. Classy!”

There is a pile of powder on the living room table and Jenny/Jessie is rolling up a 20. My eyebrow goes up. She ducks her head down and does a line, and I notice she doesn’t stop.

“Uh…can I have some?”

She looks up. Glassy.

“Oh. Sure.” She seems kind of surprised.

She cuts me a small line and I take the 20 from her and sniff. Cue some of that crazy Bride-killing-people music from Kill Bill. I somehow slide to the floor. I lay there for a while (I think).

“Was that blow?”

She shakes her head no. I just did heroin.

We sort of lie around for a while on the couch. Time passes and passes. I watch the lamp on the mantle glowing. It seems very interesting. We do a little more and suddenly we’re making out. She’s a good kisser. Everything feels like I’m moving slowly through something warm and soft. She’s warm and soft. We fool around for a while; it doesn’t feel real but it’s nice. I haven’t gone down on a girl since college, but we are going in that direction and I just roll with it.

After we’re done, I can’t find my pants and I’m starting to get a bad headache. I can tell she wants me to leave so she can go out. I think she wants to score more heroin, and I want nothing to do with that scene again. I finally pull myself (sort of) together and stumble out of the apartment into a cab.

I’m glad it’s a Friday so I can sleep all day on Saturday. When I get into the cab, my phone starts buzzing with another text from Bobby. I ignore it. Text from ex asking if I’m okay. Also ignored.