My Husband's Political Awakening Is Annoying and Cock-Blocks Me

I love his general grouchiness and opinionation (thanks, Blossom), but can I survive a full non-Tea Party Libertarian conversion?

Sep 9, 2011 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

First, I’d like to thank the Universe for giving me such a good-humored insane megalomaniac for a husband, who encourages me to write these posts focused on what a lunatic he is.

My outspoken, Brooklyn-reared, professional contrarian husband, we’ll call him “Mike,” has recently undergone a political awakening. Talk about up there with some of the most annoying possibilities possible!

Mike WAS the kind of dude who, under the “political views” info section of his Facebook profile, would quote from Conan The Barbarian (the orig.) or type in some other smart-assed dominant male garbage, that to me was hilarious and tongue-in-cheek.

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 After all, he didn’t vote for like 20 years and even though he would blather about New York Liberals with the fervor of 20 Bill O’Reillys at times, I could giggle about it and chalk it up to some lingering class and neighborhood issues or just listening to cranky old white dudes in Brooklyn too long.

*Let me quickly sum up MY politics. I am super paranoid and don’t believe or trust anyone; 10 minutes of discussion bring me back to the conclusion that five dudes control the world and all governments are puppets for the Illuminati. In those non-paranoid moments, I thoughtfully examine each issue and develop my own opinion without influence of one political party or another. And I like to discuss these opinions NEVER.*

Back to MIKE, so he’s a registered Libertarian now. Sent money to Ron Paul on his birthday like he’s his granny or some sh*t. He rails on the Liberal Media so often that coworkers tell him to lay off the Fox News AND HE’S NEVER WATCHED FOX NEWS.

Anti-big government, anti-authoritarian, anti-giving your wife a break by not practicing your imaginary political interviews when she just wants to watch Chef Ramsey on "Hell’s Kitchen," you bloody donkey, except you’re not donkey, you’re whatever animal best represents a blow-hard who wants to referee all political conversations by claiming superiority over virtually every other opinion.

 Michael, you’re MAKING me do this!

He sounds like such a grandpa. Not my grandpa, and no offense to grandpas. It’s like, “my taxes this, my taxes that,” I’d rather listen to -- I have no clever answer to that.

 Here’s the worst. We have a married person intimate-time date on a certain morning. God, that’s embarrassing to write. Anyway, one of those mornings I made the mistake of referencing a political figure that had a song he performed go viral a few years back and Mike took that as an opening to enthusiastically discuss the nuances of notable right-wing figures, and I’ll tell you, it is genuinely almost impossible to turn me off, and my vagina disappeared in a poof a smoke. He could have been talking about dead kittens and I would have at least wanted some kind of grief sex.

 NO POLITICS IN BED, unless it’s actual tea-bagging. I’ve worked very hard for this level of intimacy; don’t make me leave my body again.

Anybody else in an interpolitical realtionship? Do you avoid this talk or embrace a juicy debate? Am I the weirdo for refusing to pick a side?